


Loud and Clear

by LuceTheGoose



Series: A Dragon Among Thieves [3]
Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-01 13:54:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 36,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17245451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuceTheGoose/pseuds/LuceTheGoose
Summary: Goldenglow sets off a chain of unfortunate events for Kaiya and Mercer. While Kaiya struggles with the ghosts of her past and how she can adapt to the present, Mercer struggles with trying to protect himself from what has developed between them. All the while, it's become evident that someone out there is out to destroy the guild.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If you're interested, [ here's a playlist ](https://open.spotify.com/user/samanthastroupe/playlist/5kWn2UhP8Ni3rdfnExsmQi?si=9eFL3cs_SViyiodETGwwGA) I made.

_13th of Sun's Dawn 4E203_

All she had to do was set fire to the hives. Everything else was done. No one had seen her or even sensed her presence thus far. It had been a perfect mission. She stood there, obscured from view of the roaming sentinels, hid by the very hives she was preparing to ignite. Her right hand prepared and disengaged the flames spell, over and over, waiting until the time was perfect. She wanted to set the fires in the early hours of the morning, just so most of the Rift would wake to the smell of smoke and see the plumes rising in the grey dawn sky. This would send a clear message that the guild wasn't to be trifled with.  _Any minute now_.

As the sky began its change from grey to purple, Kaiya knew it was time. She called the flames into her hand once more but did not cast the spell. Too loud, too obvious. Instead, she slowly approached the first hive with the flame, no more fierce than that of a candle, from the palm of her hand. She carefully moved her hand down the side of the hive with just enough contact to get the flame to catch. It worked beautifully. The fire began to grow up the side of the straw, slow at first then much faster than she expected. She'd have to move quickly now.

She approached the second and third hives the same way as the first, moving gracefully and quickly to ensure the mission's end would be perfect. As the third and final hive caught fire however, she found herself fixated by the flames. The way they consumed the straw of the hive with a voracious hunger, reaching out to find what they could consume next. She felt the heat on her face, the smell of the black smoke clinging to her. The flames started taking shapes as she stared, shapes of faces in pain and bodies littering a stone floor. The images became more vivid, as if she were teleported to the scene they displayed. She knew the scene well. She saw a roaring werewolf, crying in pain while surrounded by fire. She could smell the burnt flesh as she moved through the corridors of the ancient tomb turned sanctuary. The visions acted as they always did, a series of flashes of recollection moving faster and faster. A ferocious black horse, rising up on hind legs to defend his comrades. A translucent blue, ethereal brother, moving swiftly through the flames until he melted away into a puddle. The black sacrament. The Blade of Woe. And as these brutal mental hijacks always seemed to end, the last vision of a mage in black robes, pinned to a tree by steel arrows. Kaiya was frozen in place until these memories would leave her. A part of her, somewhere deep inside and overtaken by the scenes playing out before her, cried out that she needed to snap out of it. Her inner voice screamed out that she needed to move. She needed to flee. This was the time she was supposed to make her escape.

Suddenly, her focus exploded back into view after a piercing, sharp pain hit her in the chest. She shook her head to try to clear out the remaining tendrils of memory, holding on with all she had to her consciousness.  _It happened again._  Looking down, she saw what it was that brought her back into the world of the living - a single steel arrow, pierced through where her chest met her left shoulder. Her head jerked up, eyes roaming for the sight of her attacker, only to see that instead of one furious archer, coming at her was a stampede of angry mercenaries. Her instincts took over, her feet pushing off of the ground where she stood into a leap towards her escape. She ran, terrified and and panic stricken, towards the water.

Kaiya sprinted towards the lake, mercenaries close behind. She dove in without a second thought, thrashing and paddling as fast as possible to put as much distance between herself and the yelling Nords as she could. Arrows sped past her through the water, one narrowly missing her stomach by inches. The arrow in her chest left a trail of red behind her, showing a direct path to her swimming form from the shore. Reaching the bank of the far side of the lake, she checked behind her. They had not followed, but arrows still whipped past her where she stood. She paused, breathed deep and with eyes closed, quickly cast the spell for invisibility. In a flash, she vanished from sight. She heard the mercenaries groan and taunt from across the river, but it was clear they could no longer see her. Taking advantage of her camouflage, she ran swiftly through the trees and brush, getting as far away as possible while unseen before it became very clear that her wound was going to need immediate attention. Without much thought, she plopped down on the grass, leaning against a tree for support.  _Well, if I'm being trailed I guess this is it_ , she thought, looking around her as much as the searing arrow in her chest would allow. The pain caused her head to fall back onto the trunk as she tried to gain control of her breathing.  _Inhale. Exhale. Come on Kaiya. Inhale. Exhale._

Blood pumped from the wound with each beat of her racing heart and she knew she didn't have much time before the lack of blood caused her to pass out. She looked down, eyeing the wooden shaft sticking from her shoulder with contempt. She grumbled obscenities at no one in particular, cursing the arrow in her shoulder and cursing herself for getting distracted. Kaiya could not believe she had botched the ending of this mission by something as silly as getting transfixed by a fire.

_A fire! How many of them had she walked right by without a second thought? But this one, this fire, had to be the one that she became hypnotized by. How pathetic!_ Her eyes slammed shut as she tortured herself with her own self interrogation, fighting the instinct to keep plummeting in her downward spiral of self torment. She needed to pull herself together, this self loathing would not be of much help in her current predicament. She could not let her mind get caught up in the cycle of replaying this in her head over and over yet. That might be the final straw for her to finally break. She'd deal with it later, or at least that's what she convinced herself in order to keep going.

She checked her back for an exit wound, finding nothing. That would be her luck. With her gloved fingers, she felt around the wound to see if she could get an idea of how bad it was. She breathed a sigh of relief when she realized that her guild leathers stopped the majority of the blow, the arrowhead lodging itself just barely under the skin. She sighed heavily, sitting up and bracing herself for what was to come. She would have to pull it out if she had any hope of healing herself. With her good arm, she pulled off her gloves, putting one in her mouth to bite down on. Slowly and agonizingly, she pulled the arrow out of her shoulder from the wooden shaft. She felt it tear and maim as it moved through her, but she had no choice. Stars danced along her vision, her consciousness becoming hazy and clouded as she faced what had to be the worst pain she had ever had in her life. It came out with a final tug, causing her to fall back from the force to lean against the tree again. "Ow," she exhaled, out of breath with eyes tightly shut, trying to stay conscious. She dropped the offending arrow to the ground and immediately called her grand healing spell to her hand, casting the golden aura over herself to heal as much as she could in the moment. The pain eased and the bleeding slowed, but she did not feel much better about her situation.

_This is going to scar, isn't it? Godsdammit. Well, serves me right. I'll have a reminder of what happens when I get lost in the past like that._

As she looked down at the area in which the arrow penetrated her guild leathers, she saw that it was no longer oozing blood with every heartbeat. "Whatever, good enough for now," she mumbled inaudibly as she forced herself back up to her feet. The sudden movement caused her to wobble back and forth for a moment, forcing her to hold onto the nearby tree for stability. The head rush she got from restoration magic was usually a bit dizzying, but combined with the shock of blood loss it was almost too much to handle. Still, she knew she had to get going. One more look behind her to ensure she was not being followed and she took off, weaving through the brush towards Riften.

As she approached the city gates, she prepared the detect life spell in her palm to check one last time for any unwelcome followers. Her eyes scanned the area for any hint of golden light being produced to signify an unfriendly presence. Nothing. Satisfied that she was alone, she pushed open the large wooden doors into Riften and slowly drug herself towards the graveyard.

"Everything all right?" the guard posted at the entrance asked in his thick, Nord accent. The sudden break of silence caused Kaiya to jump in surprise before she waved him off, grumbling under her breath that she was fine. She could only imagine how frightful she looked to him, stumbling into Riften in the wee hours of the morning.

She made her way towards the secret entrance to the cistern, continuously looking over her shoulder as she walked to ensure she remained unfollowed. Just as she opened the grate to climb down the ladder, a thought struck her. Mercer. The arrow she took to the chest would not sit well with the Guildmaster, especially not after moving through the entire estate completely undetected just to be shot as she escaped. Just thinking of it that way sounded off to her. She would have to explain what happened. The thought caused a lump to form in her throat. She'd rather get shot by another arrow than have to explain her stupid flashback.

She drug herself into the cistern, sopping wet and worn. Her brain had not ceased berating her for the entire journey back to Riften and it was showing no sign of letting up now.

_How could you lose focus like that? When will you get the fuck over it already?_

No matter how many times she tried to remind herself that the mission had been completed almost perfectly and she lived to tell the tale, it did not cause her mind to let up. At this point, Mercer yelling at her for getting herself shot would be a welcome reprieve. At least he was a tangible entity that could be reasoned with, unlike her own ghosts creeping back into her peripherals. At the very least, Mercer was real and after the events of the past few hours, she could use a little validation that she was still on Nirn.

As horrible as she felt, she couldn't stop herself from smiling once she spotted Mercer across the cistern. He wasn't alone, but she didn't care. They had said their goodbyes to each other with full awareness that she might not make it back alive and yet here she was, hobbling her way across the cistern towards him. He was surrounded by Delvin, Vex and Brynjolf, no doubt pontificating over how they believed her mission was going, although she was just surprised to see them all awake so early. They must really be worried.

Mercer stood completely still as he leaned over the ledger, eyes on the desk. His every muscle looked as if it were pulled completely taut with anxiety. Vex paced back and forth, running her hands through her short hair and staring at her boots. She could hear Delvin rambling on about seeing smoke from the direction of the meadery and Brynjolf doing complicated math to try to figure out when they should realistically expect to hear anything. Their erratic gestures betrayed their worry, causing Kaiya's smile to grow wider. Here they were, worrying like a bunch of Delvins when all they had to do was look over and they'd see that she was fine.

When she was close enough that she knew they would hear it, she cleared her throat as loud and conspicuous as she could manage. At once, all four heads snapped to look in her direction and all four of their expressions changed to relief at the same time. Delvin and Brynjolf both ran towards her in excitement, but Kaiya's eyes were fixed on her Guildmaster. He wore a smirk, the most emotion he ever let himself show around his guild. She smiled back at him, their unspoken conversation a secret only for them.

Brynjolf reached her first, picking her up by the waist in a huge Nord hug and swinging her around. "You did it lass!" As he set her down, Delvin grabbed her into a hug of his own, speaking in hushed tones into her ear. "We're glad to have you back love. He was a wreck. We all were."

As Delvin pulled back from the hug, he grabbed her shoulders which caused an involuntary yelp of pain from Kaiya. His eyes trained on the giant stain on her leathers, signaling that there had been a lot of blood. "You're hurt."

She could sense the Guildmaster stiffen at Delvin's observation, so she reacted quickly to try and dissuade their anxiety. "Psh," she waved off his worries with nonchalance, "just a flesh wound. I'm fine."

Disengaging from Delvin and his worried expression, she clumsily made her way to the Guildmaster's desk, her soaking leathers swishing and dripping with each movement. She fished around in one of her pockets and retrieved the protected purchase agreement for Goldenglow before casually tossing it onto the desk. Mercer's eyes moved to the paper on the desk and then up to her face. She hoped she didn't look like she felt, but from the reaction of the city guard earlier and the current furrowing of Mercer's brow, she knew she did. With a heavy breath to gain some composure, she spoke. "Here's your purchase agreement. The job is done."


	2. Chapter 2

_13th of Sun's Dawn 4E203_

Mercer's eyes narrowed, focusing too intently on her features for her comfort. Her eyes cast downward, not wanting to meet his glare.

"Care to enlighten us on any details, or should we just ignore the fact that you look like you just went through Oblivion?"

Kaiya forced herself to look up, trying to ignore the piercing stare of her Guildmaster. She described the mission in its entirety, how she went through the sewer, crept through the estate, stole the key directly from the elf's pocket and made her way to the basement, completely undetected. Brynjolf started celebrating a bit too soon, smacking her on the back and exclaiming "I told you she'd do it!" while Delvin and Vex kept their eyes trained on Kaiya, wanting to know the rest. She described getting the purchase agreement from the safe and making her way outside and to the hives, still unseen. She explained that she stood behind the hives, hidden from sight, waiting for the precise moment to light the hives for the most dramatic effect. This thoroughly impressed Delvin, joining Brynjolf in his premature celebration. "Aye, the girl's got style!"

Still, Kaiya did not smile or seem to be finished. Mercer's eyes had not left her face and he knew that there was something more. This wasn't like her to act so sheepish and reserved after a mission. She normally would be joining Delvin and Brynjolf in celebrating herself while Mercer yelled for her to focus and finish her story. "Go on." Mercer said, quiet and with no audible emotion. The intensity of it made Kaiya's stomach leap, but she knew she had to continue. She explained how she lit the hives, only three as directed, with her uncast flames spell. Then she paused, causing Mercer's eyes to narrow and her eyes to dart away from his.

"And then I uh… I must've taken longer than I thought lighting the damn things because uh.. they saw me. I had to flee as they chased me into the water, but no one followed me."

Mercer studied her face, her eyes darting around, finally landing back on him. She was a horrible liar.

"Is that all?"

"Y-yes. I, uh, I know I messed up the escape, but the rest of the mission went perfectly."

Mercer was silent for several moments that to Kaiya, felt like hours. Her mind was screaming at her, " _He knows! He knows I'm lying! What's with the delay?! Just yell at me already!"_

In a flat, even tone, Mercer responded. "No, if the mission had gone perfectly, you would not have been shot."

At this, Brynjolf cut into the conversation in shock, "Mercer! I think you're being a little hard on the lass, after all she - "

"No Brynjolf, he's right." She cut him off, reaching her over to place her hand on his forearm. "I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I did muck it up." She smiled softly, squeezing his arm to show her thanks.

The four thieves stared at her in silence. Was she really just going to lie down and take this? "If it makes you happy, I paid for it!" she exclaimed with a laugh that did not reach her eyes as she frantically looked around the group. She removed her hand from Brynjolf's arm and placed it on her shoulder as she tried to casually throw out one of her signature smirks. "Nothing's better than an arrow to the shoulder to teach you the consequences of moving too slow!" she laughed again, nervous and awkward. All gazes on her were a mixture of concerned and baffled, with the exception of Mercer. Mercer was angry.

"And how is that supposed to make us happy!?" he yelled, his face red and contorted with rage. He leaned further over the desk towards her, his anger quickly making up the distance and creating the illusion that he was in her face. "You realize those mercenaries were not trying to teach you a valuable lesson by shooting at you, right?! You realize they were aiming to KILL you? If you had been killed, the mission would have been a total failure since they could just take back the purchase agreement we were after off of your lifeless corpse!"

Kaiya winced at his anger, but took it in stride. This is what she wanted. This was her retribution, her redemption. She locked onto his gaze, letting it burn through her, almost palpably. She nodded, understanding. "I'm sorry, sir. I ensure you that I've learned my lesson and it won't happen again."

At this, Mercer's countenance changed completely. It was as if his anger melted. To the others, it seemed as if her honest submission had been a sufficient offering to his rage but to Kaiya, she knew better. She knew he saw right through her and that by continuing to berate her, he was playing right into what she wanted. She knew that he was aware she had been beating herself up, that was her way. She knew he was aware that his yelling was meant to stand in for what she'd been doing to herself for hours. He could not continue to give her what she wanted.

"I see." He stated, coldly. An uneasy calm came over the group at his starkly different reaction. He let out a forced exhale, his head dropping as he looked at the desk below him. Without looking up, he managed to force out a curt "you're dismissed," low and rumbling to the point of being nearly inaudible. His words, though quiet, were heavy with his disappointment, causing Kaiya's eyes to fill with tears almost immediately. She could handle his anger, but his obvious disappointment cut her like a dagger. She gave a quick nod, turned and scampered off into the shadows.

The remaining thieves were quiet, processing what had just transpired before them. It had escalated so quickly, their minds trying to catch up. Vex was the first to break the silence with a smirk, "sir? Since when does she call you sir?"

Delvin let out a laugh, "I was thinkin' the same thing! Wha' in oblivion has he done to the poor girl?"

They laughed, but the humor never reached Brynjolf and Mercer, who each stared vacantly in opposite directions. Quietly, the second in command spoke. "Mercer, I think you were too hard on her."

"Too hard on her!?" Vex yelled, clearly overhearing what was meant to be a private statement. "If anything, he went too easy on her! He was right, she mucked it up!"

Brynjolf moved swiftly to face Vex, angered by her obvious hypocrisy. "And you, you of all people, the one who didn't even make it into the estate without having to run for her life, are going to be the one to hold her accountable?"

"Whatever Bryn, you saw the same thing I just did. She threw in one teary-eyed 'sir' and - "

"ENOUGH!" Mercer bellowed, stopping their petty argument. "Vex, Delvin, go back to the Flagon. We're done here." At that, Vex shot one last scowl at a furious Brynjolf as she slowly started to slink away towards the Ragged Flagon. "Whatever" she mumbled under her breath when she was far enough away that she knew Mercer wouldn't retaliate. Delvin gave a nod and a "whatever you say, boss" before he followed behind the Imperial.

Mercer and Brynjolf stood at the desk, quiet in contemplation for what they each wanted to say. Brynjolf spoke first, not being able to stand the silence any longer. "Look Mercer, I'm sorry about what I said."

"Don't apologize to me." Mercer responded, emotionlessly. "You're my second in command for a reason. I want you to voice your opinions, but I'm standing my ground on this one."

Brynjolf, exasperated, turned to face his Guildmaster. "Mercer, you know as well as I do that the job she did was better than we could have expected from anyone else, it's not like - "

"Is that reason enough to not challenge her, Brynjolf?" Mercer interjected, turning his gaze completely onto the Nord, causing him to cease his argument and stare off at nothing in particular as he knitted his thoughts together. The corner of Mercer's mouth turned up into a knowing smirk, watching the gears shift and turn in his second in command's mind. He used the opportunity to continue making his point.

"Yes, the job was done well, better than anyone else could have done it. She could have done it better than she did though, and even she knows that. We can't allow a member of the guild with her talent to rest on her laurels, Brynjolf. You brought me a good thief when you brought her into the guild, I'll give you that, but it's my job to make her a great thief."

Brynjolf directed his attention to Mercer, obviously still confused. "Well in that case, why'd you let up on her so easily?"

Mercer laughed humorlessly. "Oh now that's rich" he barked, eyeing his companion. He let the smile fade from his face, catching onto the look of confusion on Brynjolf, understanding that the Nord was honestly trying to learn from the Guildmaster.

"I know her well, Brynjolf. She has probably been beating herself up over this since it happened. My anger was what she wanted, but she has to learn to deal with this on her own. I've never intimidated her, that I know. Her own demons are far more terrifying to her than any lecture of mine could ever be."

Brynjolf laughed, slightly abashed. "I should've known you had your reasons" he said, looking towards the floor as he rubbed the back of his neck.

Mercer grinned maniacally, acknowledging his win. "Ya damn right I did. Now how about you not forget that next time and it'll be much easier on all of us." Brynjolf laughed and just like that, the two old friends were back to normal.

"All right, well now that that's settled, you mind telling me if you know what this symbol is? I sure as oblivion haven't seen it before." Mercer pointed to an image at the top of the parchment Kaiya had returned to him, eyeing Brynjolf for any sign of recollection.

Brynjolf shrugged, "Aye, neither have I."

Mercer nodded and began to pack up. "Watch the cistern for me. I won't be gone long."

"Uh, sure, I'll watch the cistern." Brynjolf replied, somewhat perplexed. "Where ya headed?"

A disgusted look took over Mercer's features at the question. His response was only one word. "Maven's."


	3. Chapter 3

_13th of Sun's Dawn 4E203_

Kaiya scrambled away from the conversation with the other thieves, taking her leave not a moment too soon. She moved through the cistern in no particular direction, just wanting to put space between herself and her disapproving Guildmaster. Inwardly, Kaiya debated as to what she needed more, a drink or solitude. She quickly concluded that mead was a top priority, so she directed her stumbling towards the Ragged Flagon and plopped down dramatically at the end of the bar. Vekel, looking up from the glass he was wiping out, gave her a quizzical stare but said nothing.

"I need a drink," was all Kaiya managed to get out. Vekel moved swiftly to appease the obviously upset thief, placing a bottle in front of her. Before he could pick his glass back up to continue wiping it out, Kaiya slammed the empty bottle onto the bar and asked for another. He kept his eyes on her as he reached for another bottle, trying to figure out what was behind the insatiable need for mead.

"You just got back from Goldenglow. That bad, huh?" he questioned as he handed her the second bottle.

Kaiya grumbled unintelligibly at first, finally settling on giving Vekel the cryptic answer of "No. Yes. I don't know, Vekel." She stared down at her bottle, apparently assuming that the answer she gave would suffice.

Vekel stared at her, unamused. "Kaiya, you're going to have to give me more than poetry on this one. I don't speak bard."

This caused the edges of Kaiya's mouth to turn up a bit into a small smile. She looked from her bottle to him, seeing the look of utter confusion plastered onto his face. She let out a small laugh, then groaned, leaning her head back to look at the ceiling before making eye contact with Vekel again.

"I don't know Vekel. I'm mad at myself, OK? I totally botched the escape. The beautiful, well orchestrated grand finale that I had in my head" she started waving her arms around, holding the bottle in one hand, trying to demonstrate the scale of which she saw this mission in her dramatic body language. "Nope!" she slammed her hands and the bottle back onto the counter, causing Vekel to jump a bit at the sound. "I ruined it, Veks. It was right there, all I had to do was finish it, and I decided 'ya know what's better? Just shitting all over it'" she shrugged and laughed, bringing the bottle to her mouth for a long sip. She looked back at Vekel, whose expression had not changed.

Remaining stoic, he responded to her story, "I feel the need to remind you that this is the Thieves Guild, Kaiya. If you want the Bard's College in order to act out your 'grand finales,' you're going to have to go to Solitude."

Kaiya eyed the bartender who stared back at her with a smug grin. Her lips curled menacingly into a smile. "Ya know Vekel, you really are an irritating ass sometimes."

Vekel laughed, "Well some ladies are kind enough to interpret it as charm."

Kaiya rolled her eyes dramatically and groaned. "Oh, charm is it? Please."

"Well I got you to smile, so you have to give me credit for that." His gaze was pinned on her, smirk firmly planted on his face with the taste of victory close at hand.

Kaiya let out a small laugh and shrugged, "fine, Vekel THE MAN," she said, scoffing at his self given title. "You're an irritating, charming ass, but an ass all the same."

He laughed, picking back up his glass that he'd been wiping out for far too long before returning his focus back to the thief. "So are you going to tell me what happened or not, Kai?"

Kaiya stared at her half empty bottle, deciding to finish it all in one massive gulp. "Get me another mead and I'll tell you."

Vekel nodded towards her, directing her attention to the fresh mead he had placed in front of her in anticipation of her request. She laughed, "you know me too well."

With that, she began to tell him the story, much easier now that she had a few bottles of mead under her belt.

"All right, well it started off great. I was like a shadow Veks, a fuckin' stealthy wraith." She began waving her arms around again, adding her personal dramatic flair to the sloppy telling she was presenting. "No one saw me or even heard a creak. I was slinkin' around, my back to walls where the mercs were right on the other side, none the wiser."

She paused, taking a long sip from her mead bottle, before continuing. "It was awesome Veks. I snuck into the elf's bedroom and pulled the key right out of his pocket while he just sat there and I even stole a weird, golden bee sculpture from his room right under his nose."

Seemingly getting too caught up in her own story, her face lit up at the reminder of the bee sculpture. "That reminds me, I should see if Delvin will buy that thing…" she started to push herself up from the bar before Vekel reached over and put his hand over hers, stopping her before she ran off on her distraction. "Finish your story, Kai."

"Oh, right." She sat back onto the stool, looked at her bottle once more to gain her concentration and picked up right back where she had left off. "So everything was going according to plan, right? I snuck down the stairs towards the basement, using my invisibility spell to get past the dimwits down there and all of a sudden, there it was. The infamous safe!"

She held her hands up to the sky as if praising the gods for putting the safe exactly where it should have been. Vekel chuckled to himself at her dramatic retelling. She always was an entertaining one when telling the guild of her heists. Well, if she had a few bottles of mead in her anyway.

She continued, leaning over the bar to add suspense. "I broke into the safe, took out the contents and made my way back through the sewers to the surface. I was almost done, just had to light the damn hives."

At this, she paused, staring wistfully at her bottle of mead, now sitting untouched on the bar. After a few moments, Vekel broke her concentration with a loud clearing of his throat. "Oh, sorry." Her head popped back up, alert.

"I snuck over to the hives and was ready to light them when I thought, 'hey I should wait until sunrise so all of the Rift will know that Goldenglow just got theirs' so I stood there, waiting." She checked to see if Vekel had the appropriate reaction before continuing.

"As soon as the sky lightened and I knew the hold would be waking up any minute, I decided to make my move. One hive, then two, then three," she counted on her fingers to Vekel, leaning against the bar as she stood on the rungs of the barstool.

"But that's when I messed up, Veks. I hesitated. I took too long. The fire must've been too loud or I must've been less stealthy than I thought because before I knew it, BLAM!" she used her right hand to act out an explosion hitting her in her wounded chest. "Arrow right to the shoulder," she said as she plopped unceremoniously back into the barstool.

Vekel's eyebrows shot up with concern, "Are you OK? Shit Kai, you could have been killed!"

She nonchalantly waved off his concern with her hand as she took a sip from her mead bottle. "Psh, nah I'm fine. I took care of it. Plus, Mercer already made it perfectly clear that me being killed would have just been a failure of the mission anyway."

Vekel caught the sadness in her voice at the mention of what Mercer had said and narrowed his eyes at her while she stared at her bottle again. "You know he didn't mean that, Kai," he said as he waited for her to look up. When she didn't, he reached across the bar and lifted her chin to force her to make eye contact with him. "Kai, come on. You know better than to think that."

Her eyes closed as she fought off the rise of more traitorous tears, Vekel's hand leaving her face and her chin dropping back down. "I know Veks, it's just that, I don't like disappointing him, ya know?"

Vekel nodded knowingly, but decided to encourage her to finish the story to distract her from this sore subject. "Soooo…." he said, moving his hand in a circle to get her to keep going.

She looked up, still somewhat dazed. "Soooo... what? That was it Veks. I ran away and escaped. Luckily, they didn't follow me. Like I said though, it was all perfect until the end."

They were quiet for a moment before he decided to ask her what might have been a dangerous question. "What did Mercer say?"

At the mention of his name, Kaiya teared up again and looked down. She groaned, trying to stave off any type of emotional outbreak and play it off as she usually did. "He was disappointed Veks," she said, still looking down. "He knew as well as I did that I could have done better. He was mad, furious even, but not furious enough."

"Care to explain what you mean by 'not furious enough?'" Vex interjected, having walked into the Flagon just in time to hear Kaiya speak that last confession. Delvin was visible behind Vex, trying to pull her back, speaking quietly with a "come on Vex, not now." Vex shrugged Delvin off and faced Kaiya at the bar, persistent in her questioning.

"No Delvin, I want to hear this. I want to know what type of masochist would wish for Mercer to be more furious. I'm intrigued." she sat down next to Kaiya at the bar, all of her attention still facing the embattled thief.

Kaiya laughed quietly and took another long sip from her bottle, finishing it off. She looked at Vekel and nodded. The bartender, having understood the unspoken request, grabbed another mead and placed it on the bar.

"I know how he is, that's all," Kaiya started, quietly. "If he lets it all out, then it's over. We go our separate ways and it's understood that I'll never do that again. But when he leaves it open like that…" Kaiya took a quick sip, still looking down. "When he leaves it unfinished like that, it'll just come back later in another form. Either I'll be taken off jobs or he'll put me on some contrived probation period like I'm a damn child." Her voice started to rise as she vented out her frustrations, attention finally turning to face Vex sitting next to her, still looking at her with nothing more than a blank stare. "Don't get me wrong Vex, I would not blame him if he did any of those things, but I was hoping it'd be over by now. It's not."

Vex sat quietly, rolling Kaiya's words around in her head. It was a more thought out theory than she expected and so she was unsure of how to respond. Her eyes narrowed at the thief next to her, undoubtedly settling on the direction she wished to take the conversation. Before she could speak, Delvin cut in, having been listening to it from a few steps behind.

"Kai, you've got to cut yourself a break, love" he said as he walked over to her, placing a hand on her shoulder. "I get that you have high expectations for yourself, but this is just unhealthy."

Kaiya's eyes darted around from Vekel to Vex to Delvin, all three seemingly in agreeance at Delvin's words. "I know," she said with a heavy sigh. "I know in my head that everything is fine it's just…" she anxiously looked around, trying to put her feelings into words. "It's just that I can't shake the feeling right now, ya know?"

The conversation fell silent for a moment before it was broken by Vex. "Damn you're dramatic, Kaiya. Lighten up, you're alive. We got what we needed. The guild lives to see another day. Mercer will get over it, he always does. There's no need for you to martyr yourself. It's a bit much."

Vekel and Delvin froze, knowing that Vex's words were harsher than needed in what seemed to be a very vulnerable moment for Kaiya, but she just stared back at Vex blankly. The silence grew awkward, then tense. Just before Delvin was about to run for cover, Kaiya's face slowly started to morph into a smile and that smile into a grin. Suddenly, laughter burst out of Kaiya as her whole body shook with the force. While Vekel and Delvin were confused, Vex smiled. She knew some tough love would snap Kaiya out of it.

When she was finally able to breathe enough to speak, Kaiya cackled out "oh sweet Sithis, I am being so dramatic! Oh dear gods what was I doing?"

She continued to laugh, slowly calming back down to normal and wiping tears from her face as she looked at Vex. She placed one hand on the Imperial's shoulder and squeezed. "Thanks Vex, I needed that." Her attention then went to the two men, scowling at both of them, "don't let me do that again guys! Smack me if you have to, shit! Whatever it takes! The last thing I want to become is some dramatic, woeful bar wench!" At this they all laughed and Vekel served the other two thieves a mead so they could clink glasses and cheers to the end of the Goldenglow job once and for all.

The day carried on as normal and flowed into the night, the thieves drinking and telling of their latest heists. Kaiya was glad to be smiling again but in the back of her mind, she knew there was more to the story than what she had told the rest. She may seem dramatic to them, so she was glad that Vex shut her up, but the reality of the situation was that she was terrified. She had no control over what happened to her back at the hives.  _What if it happened again? What if it happened on a bigger job? What if it got her killed?_  The thoughts ate at the edge of her thoughts, creeping into focus in quieter moments, only for Kaiya to distract herself from them by one more mead. One more story. One more conversation. She hadn't slept for far too long and while all she wanted was to find a bed and pass out into it, she was too afraid of being alone with her own thoughts to do so. Luckily for her, she ended up drinking herself into oblivion, once again, to have Delvin carry her to an empty bed and dump her into it. She would sleep, but her demons would be there for her again as soon as her eyes opened the next morning.


	4. Chapter 4

_13th of Sun's Dawn 4E203_

Mercer returned to the cistern much later than he had anticipated. He was exhausted, his meetings with Maven draining him more than he cared to admit. He was eagerly moving past their last encounter, happy to return to the quiet peacefulness he found in the cistern. Brynjolf was sitting in a chair he had pulled up to the desk, seemingly dozing in and out of sleep. With a swift kick to the legs of the chair, Brynjolf shot up, alert.

"What's wrong? What's going on? I'm up!" he exclaimed, trying to make sense of what was happening.

Mercer just chuckled to himself at the sight. "Go to bed, Brynjolf. I can take it from here."

The Nord looked to Mercer to see if he was upset, only to find a look of amusement plastered on the Breton's face. "I won't fight you on that one, Mercer. We'll talk in the morning." He wandered off, running into a few pieces of furniture here and there as he made his way through the cistern and to his bed. Mercer watched with amusement, laughing to himself at his second in command's clumsiness.

Once Brynjolf was out of sight and hopefully in a bed somewhere, Mercer focused his attention back to the ledger. He was so tired, but there was still work to be done. He pulled up the chair Brynjolf had been sitting in and fell into it himself, sighing heavily at the relief it provided. He sat up and leaned over the desk, trying to concentrate on the jumble of numbers in front of him.

Suddenly, the sound of a scream jerked him awake and he stood with a start. He must have fallen asleep while looking over the ledger. He silently berated himself for his error, while making his way through the dark towards where he thought he heard the sound. As he approached some of the guild members' beds, he saw movement and froze. His eyes struggled to adjust to the darkness, trying to make sense out of the moving shapes before him. Someone was getting out of bed, putting on boots. It seemed so casual, so normal, but he knew he had heard a scream, so instead of putting himself to bed and chalking this event up to overexertion, he decided to wait a bit longer to ensure everything was as it should be. The shape stood up, moving away from where Mercer stood and towards the training room while Mercer crept a few paces behind in the shadows. As he watched the way the shadow moved before him, the sway of hips and the graceful weaving between obstacles, he was left with little doubt as to who this late night prowler was. Kaiya.

* * *

" _Oh no," she thinks, as she approaches the blazing door of the open sanctuary. A sword slashes her back and she turns to face an onslaught of guards with the help of a black, immortal stallion with red eyes. A soldier falls before her, coming to his end with a slice across his throat from her dagger. She runs inside, past the corpses of the fallen guards and through the the hallway that led to a large opening. Fire is everywhere, the smoke clouding her vision and causing her eyes to water. The smell is overwhelming, assaulting her senses. Where is he? She spots the werewolf, fighting for his life and falling with an arrow to the back. She feels the spectral assassin move past her to take on a soldier, one powerful strike sending the ethereal form back to the void. Clashing swords, a redguard fighting at the top of stairs in his Alik'r armor. Where is he? An open casket. Darkness. There's a burnt body, lying in a circle of candles and surrounded by nightshade. A long blade is in her hands and she hears a soft "thank you." Where is he? Suddenly she is back outside, blood covering her face and hands, the smell of copper and ash seeping into her pores. The smoke clears and she finally sees him, a statue immortalizing this tragedy forever. His arms are covering his face, shielding him from harm, but he could not save himself. His entire body is as lifeless as is it motionless, pinned by arrows to the trunk of a tree, the only living witness to have seen his last moments._

She screamed herself awake, thrashing wildly against the furs holding her captive.  _Where is he!?_  Realization then hit her like a battering ram. There was no crisis, at least not anymore. She was dreaming of it again.  _Breathe, Kaiya. Breathe._

Her heart began to take on a slower rhythm while she laid there, motionless and concentrating only on inhaling and exhaling. The cool, damp air seemed to attach itself to her face, forcing her to dry the path her tears had made while she dreamed. She slowly became conscious of where she was as her eyes adjusted to the darkness around her.  _I am in the cistern. I am safe. I am not alone._

Although she was able to calm herself down, she knew going back to sleep was out of the question. She sat up, immediately wincing at the painful pounding in her head.  _Great Kai, had to go and drink yourself stupid again,_  she thought as she slowly stretched out her aching muscles.

She was still wearing her guild leathers and they smelled horrible, reeking of damp lake water. She unclasped the armor, peeling it off of her and tossing it to the bed. She was left in a tunic and her guild pants, but that would have to do. She couldn't run around without pants on, after all. She dug in her pockets for a frost merriam leaf to chew on to get the awful taste out of her mouth. She found one. It was wet, but it would do the trick.

She bent over and pulled her now dry boots onto her feet, her shoulder aching from the effort. She winced, rolling her shoulder in circles to bring some needed relief as she stood and stretched one last time. She reached over and grabbed her sword and dagger from under the bed, placing them in their sheaths along her belt.

Silently, she made her way through the cistern, thankful that it was relatively empty at the moment. She weaved in between beds and dressers, moving gracefully through the path that was now very well known to her into the training room. This room was always her refuge, a place she could go when the ghosts of her past wanted to rehash old memories against her will. The pathetic looking dummy had taken quite a few hits from Kaiya as she tried to fight the unfightable, cursing and screaming as she stabbed, hoping to vicariously strike pain into what plagued her.

She stepped up to the dummy yet again, preparing herself and unsheathing her sword and dagger. She started out slow, letting her body warm up to the familiar dance, but her stubborn muscles were fighting her. Her shoulder hurt and her head was pounding. Still, she pressed on, knowing that the only way to quiet her mind was through her strange ritual.

She became frustrated with herself as her blows were not hitting their marks as they should and her stamina felt winded. She found herself getting angry, first at her clumsy footwork, then at her screaming shoulder.

With every surge of pain her shoulder reminded her of what had happened the day before. With every wince, she remembered the way she stood there, staring into the fire like a moth to a candle. Her fighting became more erratic, her blows passionately trying to harm the straw man before her. Her mind wandered off into its familiar self loathing as she assaulted the emotionless face of the dummy, causing her to hit harder. Faster.

_Why can't I shake this? Why can't I stop thinking about that godsdamned sanctuary and that ornery old man!? Out of everything I've been through, why must this memory stick? Why must I let that traitorous bitch continue to ruin me?! I lived! I should be happy! Successful!_

_WHY AM I BROKEN!?_

She roared, slashing both dagger and sword at the throat of the dummy. Her gaze intensified on the dummy's chest, wanting to make it feel as bad as she did. She dropped her sword and took the dagger to the chest of the straw man, stabbing it in his nonexistent heart over and over as the tears poured down her face.

When her energy waned, she stayed leaning against the straw, one hand behind the makeshift neck as she grinded her teeth together in hatred towards the inanimate object before her. Then as suddenly as her ambush started, it stopped, her dagger clanging on the stone as she dropped to the floor.

She pushed herself against the wall, elbows on her knees and head in her hands as she finally let herself break. She felt as if she could not cry hard enough to get the tears out of her head. She wanted it out, all of it. She wanted to be numb. She wanted to return to the way she was before, jaded and cold, not haphazardly holding the pieces of herself together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Kaiya :( This chapter breaks my heart.


	5. Chapter 5

_13th of Sun's Dawn 4E203_

She was not sure how long she had been sitting against that wall before she felt the presence of someone else in the room.  _Had it been minutes? Hours?_  Her crying had stopped but she remained sitting there, motionless, for what felt like a lifetime. She didn't have to look up to know exactly who stood in the doorway and with a hoarse, frayed voice, she acknowledged him.

"I'm not in the mood to have you correct my footwork, Mercer."

The sudden presence of words in what had been immeasurably long silence was jarring. He quickly regained his composure in order to answer the thief, seeing no need to act as if he had not been there for the whole ordeal. "I'm not here to correct your footwork."

At this Kaiya's head shot up, glaring across the room at her Guildmaster who had still yet to move from his position in the doorway. Her face was stained with tears, pale streaks cutting across the dirt that had been there since at least the previous morning. Her blonde hair was wild around her face and her eyes were bloodshot, obvious even as she narrowed them in Mercer's direction. "Then why are you here?"

"I heard a scream, footsteps and then a clashing of weapons. I thought you were fighting," he paused, giving her a smirk, "you know, for real."

Kaiya looked down at her hands before answering, "No, just my demons again."

Mercer did not answer, but instead slowly made his way over to the wall in which Kaiya sat. He joined her on the floor, letting himself slide down the wall to end up next to her, one leg out straight while a hand rested on his bent knee. They both looked forward, not at each other, neither ready to be the first to introduce a level of intimacy into their sudden closeness in proximity. They sat that way for a few quiet moments before Mercer spoke. "Well, were you winning?"

Kaiya laughed softly, her head still down with her chin against her chest. "I think I may have scared them a little this time," she said, a smile evident in her voice.

"Good," was Mercer's reply. "They need a little scare every now and then to remind them who's boss."

Kaiya laughed humorlessly, picking her head up to lean it back against the wall, eyes focused on the ceiling. "Right. Remind me who's boss again?"

Mercer smiled, leaning his head against the wall to match her posture. "Me."

This brought out a genuine smile on Kaiya's face which did not go unnoticed by the Guildmaster as he rolled his head to the side to look at her over his shoulder. She did the same, having to look up to make eye contact.

"You're tall and it hurts my neck," she said as she dramatically adjusted her position to be able to look him in the eye more comfortably. He laughed, looking down at her while she squirmed in discomfort.

"I'm not tall, Kaiya. You're just a tiny Breton."

Kaiya looked up at him with mock offense, "who you callin' breton, BRETON?"

They each laughed at this, successfully breaking the tension that had been palpable in the room prior. She let her legs slide down to sit straight out in front of her, crossing them at the ankles, her hands resting in her lap. Mercer did the same, crossing his ankles in front of him. Kaiya stared at their feet, transfixed by the comparison in size of their guild boots. He may not be a large man compared to most Nords, but he still dwarfed her. He was right, she was a tiny Breton. She felt herself relax in his presence, his overall aura projecting the stability she had grown so accustomed to when he was around. While she was cracking and breaking, here he was, a stone pillar. She smiled at the thought, appreciating her Guildmaster for the anchor he was not just to her, but to all of the guild.

Mercer watched as she stared at their feet, obviously chasing some thought around in her head, occasionally smiling at whatever it was. He appreciated moments like this with Kaiya, where words were not needed in order to fill a silence. They could just be. He knew it couldn't last for long however, as he had to talk to her about what was going on. She could not expect that he not ask about it, right?

He was surprised when she started speaking first, breaking out of her silent reverie. "I'm sorry I disappointed you, Mercer," was all she said, her gaze fixed back onto her hands in her lap. He sighed heavily, not knowing how to respond.

"Kaiya," he started, "you don't have to tell me details if you don't want to. All of us have pasts we don't necessarily want to talk about, that's why we're here. I won't pry into your business, but I need to you to tell me what's going on."

Kaiya's focus remained on her hands while she pondered his words. She knew this was coming, so she wasn't surprised. She wasn't even nervous. There was just something about Mercer when it was just the two of them that put her anxieties at ease, even facing a discussion about her mental breakdown he just witnessed.

"I wasn't always like this, ya know" she said, surprising Mercer at the turn in direction of the conversation. There was a long pause and the room fell silent once again, both gazing off.

"Do you really need me to ask you to keep going, or was that all you were going to say?" he said, brows furrowed in annoyance at her lack of communication.

She looked up at him with a small smile on her face, leaning in to knock his shoulder playfully with hers. "No that's not all I was going to say, you ass" she laughed, "I was just thinking about how to explain it."

He stared down at her, seemingly unamused. "Well, get to it. I've got a meeting in three days I'll need to be on time for." She smiled and playfully jabbed her elbow at his ribs. "Fine, here goes nothing."

She took a deep breath, readying her nerves. "Something happened about a year ago, something I'm not ready to talk about." Her eyes moved to meet his, silently pleading for him not to ask. He nodded, encouraging her to continue. "Well, this thing that happened, it's not leaving me alone. It's not a person or a threat to me or anything, just memories. They show up at the worst times, like when I'm trying to sleep," she paused, steeling her resolve, "or when I'm trying to light beehives on fire."

His brows knit together, trying to make sense out of what she just said. "Explain."

She exhaled forcefully, looking down then back up to meet his gaze. "That's what happened yesterday, Mercer. I didn't take too long like some clumsy novice, I was frozen in place while my mind relived the … thing… that happened."

"And this was brought on by the fire?" he asked, not giving any of his thoughts away in his expression.

She looked back down to her hands. "Yes."

"And you were brought back to reality by the arrow in your shoulder, I'm guessing."

"Yes, which still hurts like oblivion, by the way."

"Let me see it" he said, directing his focus to her left shoulder.

"What? Now? I thought you wanted to hear what happened."

"I do, but right now this takes priority. We'll get back to it, believe me." His face showed no signs of playfulness. He was serious.

She pulled down the sleeve of her tunic, revealing her bare shoulder. Turning to face him, she tucked her knees under her while Mercer put a leg on either side of her small frame to get close enough to inspect her wound. It was a ghastly sight, purple and swollen, the wound hastily healing over due to her restoration magic, but leaving a web of scar tissue in its wake.

"This looks like shit, Kaiya" he said as his eyes scanned the area.

She laughed, embarrassed. "I know, I didn't take the time to heal it properly on the road. It was a quick patch job."

His hands roamed over her skin, pressing here or there to watch her reaction. She winced with a few of his pokes, more as he moved closer to the wound itself. She was very aware of the feeling of his hands on her, trying not to let her mind roam as his hands did.

"You're blushing" he stated, as if telling her an obvious fact. She didn't look away.

"Yeah well," she said, so softly he almost missed it. "You're touching me, what do you expect?"

"Do I really affect you that much?" He let out a quiet chuckle, eyes still fixated on her wound as he examined her injury.

"Hush," she joked, her blush deepening at his teasing. "And are you saying that if I reached over and touched you right now there wouldn't be a physical reaction?" She jokingly reached towards him as he swatted her hand away.

"Would you really take advantage of your Guildmaster while he inspects your wounds like that?"

"Uh yes," she stated flatly, her eyes on his face as he continued to concentrate on her wound. "My name is Kaiya by the way, have we met?"

He chuckled in response before the room fell silent. His face became serious, causing Kaiya to brace for whatever came next.

"Why haven't you healed yourself better than this, Kai?" His eyes moved to lock onto hers as he spoke. "You're capable."

"Why do I feel like you're asking me a question you already know the answer to?" she asked, sheepishly as her eyes darted away from his steel gaze.

"Because I want you to say it out loud so you hear how dumb it sounds."

She shot her focus back up to meet his, surprised at his brutal honesty. "Well I uh.." she started, not wanting to continue. She felt her eyes slowly move away from focusing on his face, causing him to lift her chin to look at him once more. He was serious about this.

"I thought if I let it keep hurting then it could serve as my punishment." She felt tears cloud her eyes as she said it out loud. He was right, it did sound dumb.

"Punishment for what, exactly?"

"Punishment for letting myself get distracted."

"Mmhmm," he nodded. "Just as I thought. You realize that's the stupidest thing you've ever said, right?"

"Hey we haven't known each other that long," she joked, trying to break the tension. "I've said a lot of dumb things."

She was met by Mercer's signature scowl as a response. "Heal yourself," he commanded. "Now."

He let go of her face as she looked down, concentrating on preparing her grand healing spell. She cast it, shivering as the golden tendrils cascaded around the mangled flesh. As it dissipated, she was slightly embarrassed as she saw that the wound looked much better than it had before. It was really that easy and he knew it.

She moved her arm around, testing the limits of her newly healed shoulder. "Thank you Mercer," she said, smiling up at him. "You're right, I was being dumb."

Mercer nodded in agreement. "Well you'll still have some scarring to remind you of it, so don't worry." A smirk took over his expression as he continued, "but at least it doesn't look as bad as it did." They stayed that way for a moment longer before Mercer removed himself from the rather intimate arrangement, leaning his back against the wall as it was before. Kaiya followed his lead, situating herself next to him, both looking forward.

"So," Mercer began, bringing them back to the topic at hand, "about Goldenglow. You're saying you had no control over what happened?"

Kaiya frowned, recognizing whatever brief reprieve had been brought on by their healing session was now over. "Yes, that's what I'm saying. It's happened once or twice before, but never in a situation like that. It's like, my brain is taken over and someone else is controlling it. At first I thought I might be dealing with some machinations of Vaermina since I royally pissed her off a while back, but she hands out nightmares and takes memories, not the other way around."

"When did you piss off Vaermina?" Mercer asked, startled. "Wait, no. I don't want to know. That's a story for another time." He paused, trying get the conversation back to the topic at hand. "Why didn't you tell me this before?"

Kaiya looked at him, surprised he would ask such an obvious question. "Before? Before as in at your desk in the cistern, surrounded by three other guild members?"

Mercer did not flinch. "Yes, before as in when you told me a fabricated story instead of the truth."

" _Walked right into that one, Kai"_  she thought, mentally smacking herself for her short sightedness. Still, she wasn't going to let him back her into a corner on this one.

"Come on Mercer, you know good and damn well why I didn't tell you. The thoughts that you have running through your head right now, that's why. The inevitable fall out" she became more animated as she ranted, her hands moving up and down with exasperation. "This isn't a mistake you can reprimand me for and send me on my way. This is a catastrophe waiting to happen. I'm a godsdamned pressure plate, waiting to explode at the first step. You're rearranging the jobs in your head right now I bet, trying to decide which ones are safe enough for the crazy girl to do." Her speech became faster and more erratic, stumbling over words.

Before she could continue, Mercer interrupted her rant by facing her, obviously angry at her reasoning. "And who gave you the authority to keep the truth from your Guildmaster based on assumptions of what he's thinking, Kaiya?" his voice boomed through the training room, but the full force of his words hit her square in the chest. "I don't care what you think I'm going to do, you have a responsibility to report to me honestly, understand?"

Kaiya cowered at his onslaught of anger, once again upset at herself for not anticipating his reaction. How could she have convinced herself that he would understand her lying to him? She knew him better than this by now. She could tell him she murdered his mother and he would just nod, but if he found out some other way, a way that involved her not telling him herself, she was in trouble.

Her thoughts must have been all over her expression because he seemed to know what she would say before she said it. His scowl softened a bit, realizing she saw the error of her ways.

"You're right Mercer." The apology had already been understood, but she owed it to him to say it out loud. "Another dumb Kaiya move, I guess."

Mercer stayed quiet for a moment. Kaiya could practically see the thoughts racing around in his head, but he showed nothing on his face. When she felt like she would burst, he finally spoke, his eyes forward. "I need you to know why I'm being so hard on you, Kaiya."

Well that's not what she expected him to say. She thought she knew why he was hard on her. He needed to challenge her, to keep her honest. Not many people were capable of challenging Kaiya the way he could, and it was his responsibility to do so. There was also an inkling of suspicion that he reacted the way he did because she had scared him, and that made the butterflies in her stomach flutter around a bit. What a softie.

He took her silence and awkward smile as a cue to continue. "I have a feeling that this won't be the last nearly impossible mission that Maven wants to send you on."

The blow hit her square in the chest. She had almost forgotten all about Maven. Of course this wouldn't be the last job like this. Why would she assume that after Goldenglow it would be smooth sailing? A familiar, Maven-sized pit formed in her stomach at the realization.

"Well," she sighed heavily in response, the truth of it all crashing around her. "That's some bullshit."

Looking over at Mercer as she spoke, she noticed he still stared forward, obviously deep in the trenches of his own worry. She snapped out of her spiraling thoughts at the realization that Mercer probably needed her to say more than that. He was confiding in her as an explanation, yes, but there was also his need for her to calm his nerves. She knew that.

"Well Mercer," she joked. "If she's going to kill me then she'll have to try harder than all the others who have tried in the past, so I'm not going to let it get to me." She smiled up at him as she reached over and grabbed his hand in his lap, squeezing his fingers in hers.

"Tell that to your secret flashbacks." he said coldly, snatching his hand out of hers.

And with that, the calm she had been able to put over the room was gone, a look of panic taking over her features. She gulped, trying to swallow back down the nervousness that sat in her throat. He was panicking too, she realized. He had confidence in her, but if she kept having these flashbacks then neither of them could feel great about her making it through another mission alive. He was also obviously still angry that she hadn't told him about it sooner.

"Look, Mercer, you are right about the way I handled this, okay? I shouldn't have lied to you, I know that. I just hope that you understand that this is something that's scaring the shit out of me, so I'm struggling with the best way to deal with it."

He nodded, considering her response. "Fair enough, but I need your honesty. If you need to tell me in private, then say you need to tell me in private. Now that you've told me what is going on with you, we can figure out how to solve it. Let's not overcomplicate things, Kaiya."

He always found a way to do this, to make everything seem so simple. She couldn't help but feel a nagging at the back of her mind however at how he seemed to still be upset. If it was all this simple, why was he still angry?

"While we're being honest with each other," he said, sternly, "there's something I should tell you."

_Uh oh._  Yep, he was definitely still mad. Before she could ask, he hit her with the final blow, effectively knocking the breath out of her nervous stomach.

"I know about what happened with the Dark Brotherhood, Kaiya."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I slid in a subtle nod to V for Vendetta in this chapter to pay homage to another anti-hero. See it?


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mercer done fucked up.

_13th of Sun's Dawn 4E203_

"I told you I didn't want to talk about it, Mercer." Her voice was cold, her fingers grasping at the ring around her neck in an attempt to tame the erratic beating of her heart.

"Yeah, you mentioned that," he scoffed, her response not ending this conversation as she would have hoped. "And that's all well and good when you're out on your own as some rogue, but you're a part of a guild now Kaiya. A guild that almost had one of its most important missions thwarted by the consequences of your secrets." His voice grew louder, angrier.

"Hey!" she retorted, her volume now matching his. "It was a surprise to me too, okay? If I had thought for a minute that it still affected me that much I would have…"

"You would have what, Kaiya? Told me?" he laughed humorlessly, running a hand through his hair in frustration. "That's bullshit and you know it. You said yourself that you wouldn't want me to know out of fear I'd keep you off certain jobs."

She stood in haste, hoping that her increased height would give her leverage in the conversation. He stood to match her, preventing any advantage she tried to gain by towering over her.

"This is as personal as it gets, Mercer!" tears filled her eyes, streaming out the corners. "We're talking about MY past now! MY memories! MY demons!"

"And who told you that you had to deal with them alone!?" He grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to look at him.

"What?!" she screeched, her pitch growing higher. "Mercer, they're MY problems! Who the fuck else is going to deal with them if not me?"

"That's what you're not getting, Kaiya! You've gone through everything in your life alone because you think that makes you stronger but it doesn't! Let someone in, for divine's sake!"

She didn't respond, her eyes growing wide as his meaning hit her. He took her silence as an opportunity to continue, his voice less angry but still booming.

"You try to control everything around you and for what? To protect others? You asked me yourself not to do that to you so why do you feel you have the right to do it to us?"

Shocked silence.

He continued, his voice now considerably softer than it was moments before, his eyes looking down at her feet as he continued to grip her shoulders.

"I've been waiting for you to tell me yourself, you know. But you never did."

If Kaiya thought she was surprised at his tirade before, his last statement left her bewildered.  _He was hurt._  He was hurt that she hadn't confided in him. He wanted to help her.

Something inside her snapped, the last pillar of the last wall holding her heart captive. The feeling caused her heart to overflow with thousands of emotions at once, tears flooding down her face in an effort to make room inside her so that she could keep breathing.

She buried her face in Mercer's chest, her hands grasping at him for stability. His arms wrapped around her, holding her to him in a grip so tight she thought she'd suffocate, but she prayed he wouldn't let her loose. He was the one holding her together.

"I'm so sorry," she repeated over and over into his shirt as she soaked it with her tears. "I'm so sorry."

"Shh, hey" his voice was all softness now, his hands rubbing her back. "Don't apologize. There's no need for that. I just wanted you to know you weren't in this alone okay? You have an entire family out in the cistern now. You're not by yourself anymore."

If it was possible, she gripped him tighter, her eyes squeezing shut as wave after wave of emotion came pouring out. Of all the people she had encountered in her travels, he was the only one that seemed to finally understand her only fear. She could face all of Skyrim's dragons and deathlords, and the only thing that ever scared her was being alone. And here was Mercer, the one person who finally made her feel like she belonged. The one who told her that she wasn't alone anymore.

His hands moved to grip her hips, tight enough that she knew there would be bruises later. She pulled back enough to look up at his face, but the expression he wore was not what she expected. His jaw was tense, his focus locked onto something not on this plane. He seemed to be battling himself, a war inside his head. It was this expression that caused her to realize he hadn't said he was here for her. He said she had a family in the cistern. Not him.

"What about you?" Her voice was so quiet he almost didn't hear her.

His focus trained on her, the intensity of it causing her legs to quiver. The gentleness he held moments before was now gone, a pained armor in its place. "What about me?" The question was not for clarification as it was knowing, asking of her expectations more than her meaning.

"You said I had a family here, but what about you? What do I have with you?"

She was finally asking the question that had lingered between them for months, bringing it out into the open. She would force him to tell her what she was to him. She needed to know.

"I'm a part of that family," he answered, his voice much more reserved. "As much as I am for any other guild member."

Although his words weren't exactly unexpected, they cut her worse than any dagger. She was just another member of the guild to him. He had said as much. Whether she didn't believe him or didn't want to believe him, she was unsure, but his answer was not enough.

"Is that it?" Her expression now matched his, reserved and sharp.

His eyes softened for a brief moment before returning to their resolve. "You know I can't." He answered her unasked question, avoiding the one she had said out loud. There was no more need to pretend he didn't know what she wanted to hear.

"You can't what?" Once again, she would force him to say it out loud.

"Give you what you want." His steel resolve wavered, but not in the way she hoped. His anger came back to the surface, his brows casting shadows along the lines of his face that took the green out of his eyes. They were now a more fitting color for his mood. Black as shadow. "I don't know what you think this is," he spat, his hand waving a finger back and forth between them to indicate he meant their relationship, "but I'm your Guildmaster. That's all that matters."

Kaiya let out an annoyed laugh at his sudden change of demeanor, anger boiling up in her to match his. "Well thank you for the clarification because up until now that wasn't exactly clear."

His only response was a tightening of his jaw as his hands fell from her hips to hang by his sides.

She let out another laugh at his response, her anger fully in focus now. "Why the sudden wall, Mercer? You weren't holding yourself back before."

The hands that hung by his sides clenched into fists at her accusation. "You don't think I have been holding myself back?" He laughed a humorless laugh, running one hand through his hair in frustration. "Divines Kaiya, if I wasn't holding myself back this would be a much different conversation."

"How so?" she pushed, placing her hands on her hips.

His gaze focused in on hers, the intensity causing her to swallow the lump it created in her throat. "As in we wouldn't be talking at all." He leaned forward so that his eyes were level with hers, the intensity of his gaze making up the distance between them. "I'd be taking you against my front door because I wouldn't be able to wait to get you to the bedroom."

Against her will, her cheeks reddened under the blunt licentious words that hung between them. She couldn't bring herself to understand how he could say she was just like everyone else to him and then turn around moments later to say something like that.

"Oh and I suppose speaking to me like that should remind me I'm no different than any other member of this guild?" An awkward laugh escaped her lips as she ran a shaky hand through her hair. "It's obvious you want more, Mercer."

"Want more?!" he barked, "I don't think I've made it a secret that I want you." A mask of confusion and exasperation took over her features, pushing Mercer to continue in his explanation. "There's a difference between what I want and what I need and I don't need it or the consequences that come with it."

"Consequences?"

"Divines Kaiya," he exhaled. Now it was Mercer's turn to act exasperated. "Have the past two days not taught you that there are consequences? Maven's out for your blood and that's not going to stop."

"Are you serious!?" Kaiya squeaked, her voice becoming high pitched with frustration. "Are you seriously doing the one thing I asked you not to do? You're holding back to protect me! I.."

"Who says it's for you!?" Mercer boomed, raising up to his full height to tower over her. "Have you thought of that? Maybe I don't need it! Maybe I don't need you."

The pain that shot through Kaiya was palpable to both of them as if he had stabbed her. He lowered his voice before continuing, but did not back down. "I told you I wouldn't make your decisions for you and I haven't, but I have a right to make my own decisions too. I don't need what comes next. You've already seen what happens when Maven gets involved. I've worked too hard for too long to fuck it up now."

Kaiya was quiet for a moment, willing her emotions into check. Although it was too late to avoid having Mercer see how badly he had hurt her, she could stop it from getting worse. She would not fall apart in front of him. She nodded knowingly before asking "I see. What about what I need, Mercer?"

"Since when is what you need my problem?"

She checked his face for any signs of remorse or guilt from his statement. There was none. She checked for any softening of his features after her face had told him the obvious impact that had on her. There was none. He meant every word just as harshly as he had said it. Her needs were not of his concern, as much as he tried to tell her earlier that he would help. Apparently that only went so far.

"I guess it's not," her jaw trembled and ached with tension, her eyes narrowed at him with determination. She could feel her nails digging into the skin of her palm as she clenched her fists tightly at her sides. "Like I said, I appreciate the clarification. Now that this is settled, I'm going to go." She turned her shoulders away from him before turning back to get in one last jab. "I'm going to get hammered now and find someone else to satiate my needs."

Mercer scoffed a laugh at her obvious retaliation, but she saw the muscles of his jaw tense at her statement. He didn't want her to, but he had no right to stop her after the assault he had just performed on her already frayed morale. She turned and did not look back as she stormed out of the training room, leaving him alone once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure that's not how he thought that conversation was going to end up.


	7. Chapter 7

_14th of Sun's Dawn 4E203_

Kaiya flung open the doors to the Bee and Barb, her eyes frantically searching for the one person she knew she could use as she wished to make this go away. He had been there for her countless times to be used this way and tonight would be no different. Seeing him sitting in his usual spot by the door, she stomped her way over to him. Once he saw her approach, his face fell into a knowing smirk. He knew what this was.

"Have a need for me, Kaiya?" Marcurio asked, one eyebrow raised as a tease more than a question.

"Yes. I need mead and then I need you to take me upstairs and make me forget I'm on Nirn, okay?"

Mercurio smiled as he stood, casually walking to the bar and ordering two tankards of mead before indicating to Kaiya she should join him. She thundered her way to the bar, taking the seat next to the grinning mage.

"I don't need you to give me shit over this, okay Marc?" she lectured, one leg bouncing up and down on the stool to release her pent up aggression. "We both know you live for these moments."

Mercurio just laughed before raising his tankard in the air for a toast. "To taking Kaiya off Nirn." And at that, they clinked their glasses together and drank, beginning the dysfunctional courtship they would share for the night.

After Kaiya lost count of how many tankards she had emptied into herself and her eyes began to swim in her own drunkenness, she felt her muscles finally begin to relax. This had definitely been the right call. It had been way too long since she had taken anyone to bed and she was thoroughly looking forward to breaking that streak just to spite the one that would never be under her again. Every time her mind wandered back to his harsh words she could feel tears form in her eyes before she would down another mead and try to lose her focus. Try as she might, it wasn't working as much as she'd hoped but dammit if it wasn't better than being sober. Hopefully once they got upstairs, Marcurio would be true to his promise to help her forget she was on Nirn. She needed that.

"Ready to go?" Marcurio asked through hooded eyes over his tankard. He seemed to have read her thoughts.

"Yes," she responded quickly, throwing a few septims on the bar for Keerava as a tip before dismounting from her bar stool. Marcurio made his way to the stairs as Kaiya followed, clumsily walking behind him. Just before Kaiya put her foot onto the first step to go to the bedrooms on the second floor, the door to the inn blew open with a force, banging into the wall with a boom to announce someone's entry.

Kaiya didn't have to look to know who it was. She could feel the heaviness in the air, his presence causing the atmosphere to bend around where he stood. She slowly turned to look over her shoulder to glare at him menacingly, but the look he wore as he stared back was enough to make her insides flip in fear. Mercer was predatory.

She felt a shudder of fear run through her as she saw him approach her, causing her to turn to run up the stairs behind a confused Marcurio. Before she could get too far, she felt a hand on her arm pull her back to face the furious Mercer. They stared at each other for a moment, Mercer breathing heavy and erratic, his eyes frenzied with jealousy. Kaiya tried to hide her fear and confusion behind a smirk, but she knew he could see through it. He always could.

"What are you doing here Mercer?"

"I could ask you the same question." His voice was deep and commanding, the tone he usually used in the guild with disrespectful new members. She recognized it as the tone he used when he was grasping for control.

"I told you what I was going to do Mercer," she shrugged, her casual nature sending a jolt straight to his ferocious expression. "I'm satiating my needs."

"Needs or wants?" he spat, his grip tightening on her arm.

"Who cares?" she laughed, ripping her arm from his grasp. "I don't have to make that distinction."

She watched his jaw tighten further, grinding his teeth into each other.

"Kaiya?" Marcurio asked behind her on the stairs, "what's going on?"

"This has nothing to do with you, mage!" Mercer bellowed, his eyes shooting a venomous warning to the waiting Imperial.

Kaiya just rolled her eyes at Mercer before turning to Marcurio, putting on her most seductive voice just to spite her Guildmaster. "Nothing Marc, just go ahead and I'll join you in a minute." She grinned up at him and Marcurio's eyebrows shot up in surprise at her open flirtation. He turned to leave as Kaiya focused her attention back on her Guildmaster, making sure to let her face drop as soon as they made eye contact. She wanted him to see the drastic difference in the treatment he was receiving as opposed to her friend.

"Now if you'll excuse me," she taunted him now, "I should get back to letting someone else take care of my needs for the night."

She turned her back to Mercer with a smirk, knowing he'd never let her leave like that. Just as she expected, she felt his hand grip her arm and spin her around to face him once more. He now was much closer to her than he had been on the steps, closing the distance between them.

"Don't do something you'll regret because of me," he growled.

"Well that's presumptive of you," she taunted with a humorless smile. "Who says it's about you? I made decisions I regret long before you."

They were silent for a moment longer before she realized he had nothing else to say. What could he say? He knew he had no right to be there.

"Is that all, Mercer? Because it's rude to keep him waiting."

"Come back to the cistern." He blurted it out as a command, but he was unable to hide the neediness from his tone.

"Why?" Kaiya taunted, "do you  _need_  me?"

A wolfish grin took over her expression as she saw the way her question affected him. It stung and she was happy that it did. He deserved it after the way he had treated her. She decided to rub salt in the wound while she had the chance.

"I thought so. Now I'm going to go upstairs and let that fine, young man ravish me," she yanked her arm out of Mercer's grip again, causing his hand to fall limply by his side. She took two steps up the stairs before turning and facing Mercer again, acting as if she was deep in thought.

"Hmm, maybe I'll let him take me right by the door? I don't know if we'll be able to wait to make it to the bed."

The way his face fell at how she spun his words around on him caused her heart to flip in her chest. She thought she would feel victorious, but his pained expression caused her to feel nothing but guilt. She had struck low with her last comment and she hurt him. As much as he deserved it, hurting people for the sake of hurting them was not something Kaiya usually did. She turned and continued to climb the stairs before she heard another loud bang, indicating the door to the inn had opened and shut once again. She spun around to see who it was, although she already knew. Mercer had stormed out, leaving her feeling nothing but empty.

* * *

She tried to get into it, she really did. She tried to let Marcurio's kisses numb her pain. She tried to let her mind escape into that blissful ignorance she chased, but it just never seemed to take her away. With every kiss from Marcurio, all she could think about was how she wanted it to be Mercer. She thought of the way he had kissed her before she left for Goldenglow and how it had lit a fire inside her that she was trying so desperately to put out. Nothing he did was working. There was not enough water or ice on Nirn to douse the fire Mercer had stoked inside of her.

With a final push, she lobbed Marcurio off of her before scrambling to her feet. She mumbled something under her breath about not being able to do this.

"Is this about the guy on the stairs, Kai?" Marcurio asked from his position on the bed, leaning up on one elbow to face her. He wasn't hurt; he knew he was always just a tool for her to let out aggression. This was, however, the first time she had stopped it from going too far.

"Yes." It was all Kaiya could manage to squeak out as she stood at the door to his room, her hand on the knob preparing her escape.

Marcurio blew out a breath at her words before lying back on the bed. "I knew it the moment I saw the look on his face."

"You knew what?" she couldn't bring herself to turn around, but she looked at him over her shoulder. His eyes were on the ceiling in deep thought.

"He loves you, Kaiya."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Marcurio. I'm so mean to him :(


	8. Chapter 8

_14th of Sun's Dawn 4E203_

She didn't know where she was going. All she knew was that she couldn't be in the Bee and Barb. Or the cistern. Or any populated area, really. She stormed out of the inn and felt her legs pump themselves into a run. She let them carry her where they wished, not paying any attention to where she was headed. Before she knew it, she found herself at the back door of Riftweald Manor, staring at the second floor entrance. Her legs brought her there, but her mind was unwilling to take over and make the next move. She stood there for what felt like hours, waiting until some part of her body was willing to take control on behalf of the rest. Before she could do anything but stare, a voice in the quiet broke her out of her haze.

"What are you doing here, Kaiya?"

She spun around, looking for the source of the voice. She found it in the shadows, as he always was, under the tree in his backyard. She bounded down the stairs and ran to him but stopped before she made contact. There they stood, facing each other in his backyard, neither reaching for the other and both breathing erratically.

"What are you doing here, Kaiya?" he repeated, his tone curt to hide his emotion. "Shouldn't you be lying up in some mage's room basking in the afterglow right about now?" His anger was present in his voice now, a note of vindictiveness seeping out amongst the words. "Or was he unable to satiate your needs?"

At this, his jealousy took control. He grabbed Kaiya by the shoulders, pushing her against the stone wall that partitioned his yard apart from the rest of Riften. His gaze was consuming, shooting from his green irises as if it were fire. He placed a hand on either side of Kaiya's head, effectively pinning her to the wall although not a part of him touched her. It was his presence that kept her in place. Kaiya did nothing but breathe heavily, trying to make sense of what was happening and why she was there. His scent consumed her as much as his presence did, the smell of rain and stone permeating her skin.

"Was he unable to satisfy you? Have you come to me to finish the job?" he spat the words as if they were poison. "What is it, Kaiya? Speak."

She cringed at his command before letting her eyes lazily find their way to match his stare. She had not forgiven him for what he said but the man made her crazy. She didn't know why she was there but she knew she wouldn't let him get away with what he had said to her so easily.

"Why do you care?" her voice was quiet but she directed it at him pointedly, striking a piercing blow to his ire.

"You're at my house. You asked for this."

"No," she shook her head to shake the effects of his presence and scent out of her consciousness. "I asked why you care. You made it obvious before that you don't need me and nothing will happen, then you try to stop me from going elsewhere? Are you that greedy?"

"I'm a thief, Kaiya." His response was loaded yet honest, knocking the air out of her lungs. She scolded herself internally. Why had she expected him to act any different? He was not a good man. He took what he wanted and did not ask for permission or forgiveness. Of course he would treat this the same way. He took advantage of her silence as she let her mind roll over his words and pressed her further on the question he wanted to ask her. "Why are you here, Kaiya?"

"I don't know." Her voice was quiet. His eyes slammed shut in frustration at her elusiveness. "You make me crazy, Mercer."

He scoffed a laugh in response. "I make YOU crazy? You have no idea what crazy is Kaiya. I wish you could see what you do to me. What you do to my head. I wish you could have seen what you just did to me while I knew you were in there fucking someone else." He pointed towards the inn, but his focus remained on her, his face mere inches away.

"I didn't fuck him, Mercer." Her voice was quiet as she uttered her confession.

"Don't do that" he breathed out a laugh as one hand ran through his hair before placing it back on the wall by her head. "Don't lie to me."

"It's true, Mercer. I couldn't do it."

"Does he kiss you like I do, Kaiya?"

"What?" the beginnings of anger were making themselves known in her tone. "You have no right to…"

"Does he kiss you like I do?" he roared. The green in his eyes flared at his question, his jealousy becoming palpable between them.

"NO!" she shrieked, "And that's the fucking point, Mercer! You've ruined me! You've ruined me for anyone else! You've taken away my chance to have anything! Anyone!"

"Do you want him?"

"NO! I don't want anyone else! I just want you but I can't have you so…"

He crushed his lips to hers, swallowing the rest of her words. His tongue invaded her mouth and his body invaded her space, pinning her against the wall under his bulk. His kiss was hungry, ravenous even. All of his frustration from the past several hours made their way into his lips, his teeth, his tongue. She responded just as fervently, running her hands through his hair and holding his face to hers. She groaned as he pressed his body into hers and he let out a groan of his own into her mouth at the sound. He pulled his lips from hers before setting her skin on fire with kisses trailing down her jaw, neck, collarbone.

His deep voice rumbled into her ear as she gasped for air. "You don't know what you do to me Kaiya, but I need you to know. I need you to feel what you make me feel. You're under my skin, in my head, my blood."

Her hands in his hair, she could not get enough. She pulled him to her, crushing their lips together once more. She wrapped both legs around him, his body effectively holding her to the stone wall. The rocks dug into her back but she didn't care. Mercer was on her and all she wanted more was for him to be in her. She took in his scent, his overwhelming contrast of rain and fire. She let him consume her as she wrapped herself in him, not being able to get him close enough.

They were both so enraptured in what was playing out before them that they could see nothing else, hear nothing else. His hands on her and his smell overwhelming her was all she knew. He buried his face in her neck at her moan, drinking in her scent as they both moved further from Nirn. It was this obliviousness from anything around them that caused both incredibly perceptive thieves to miss the sound of the gate to his backyard opening.

"I had a feeling I'd find you two here, although I figured you'd at least be inside."

Mercer and Kaiya froze in place at the sudden emergence of another entity beside the two of them. Mercer stood straight up, pulling Kaiya to stand behind him so that he could shield her from the intruder.

"What in the Oblivion, Delvin?" Mercer roared, his voice shaky from the heightened tension. Kaiya couldn't help but let out a snicker behind him at the way he said 'the Oblivion' like she always did. It was funny to think she was rubbing off on him.

"Maven's courier is in the cistern looking for you and was threatening to come here to find you, so I offered to do it for him." Delvin looked amused, crossing his arms and smirking at his bewildered Guildmaster. "You're welcome, by the way."

"What does he want?" Mercer asked, not hiding his anger in his words.

"I'm not sure, but we should get back before he gets impatient and comes looking for you himself."

Mercer merely nodded before looking behind himself at the disheveled Kaiya. His lips curled into a lopsided smile as he bent over to tame her wild mane. The sight of a smile on his face made Kaiya's legs weaken and she reached out to Mercer for stability. He chuckled to himself at the sight before leaning in to speak in her ear.

"Will you be okay to return or do you need to take a dip in the lake first?" the humor present in his voice caused Kaiya to smile before smacking him playfully in the shoulder.

"Don't flatter yourself," she teased but her smile didn't last long.

Mercer noticed her faltering grin, "what is it?"

"Hm?" she asked, her concentration being brought to his gaze. "Oh, just thinking about how bad this sucks."

He barked out a laugh as he draped his arm around her shoulders, his free hand adjusting the bulge in his trousers. "You have no idea, Footpad."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, a small relief of some of that sexual tension that you could cut with a knife. Too bad it's not nearly enough.


	9. Chapter 9

_14th of Sun's Dawn 4E203_

"Ah, they've returned." A small, skeever of a man stood at the desk as the three thieves approached. His dark hair stuck to his forehead and scalp with sweat, his beak of a nose held high in an attempt to seem more important than he was.

Kaiya audibly groaned at his snobbish greeting.  _Maven's personal courier._  Kaiya had never been introduced to the man so she had no idea what his name was, but she half expected it to just be Courier as much as his job filled in for his personality.

Mercer held out an arm to silence her from going further. This guy may look like he just came from a Namira cult orgy, but he could get them in deep with Maven if he felt like it.

"What is it?" Mercer spoke now, authority booming in his tone.

"Maven would like you to meet her at the Bee and Barb M-"

"Tell her I'll be right there," Mercer cut him off.

"Apologies sir, but I was speaking to the maiden here."

All three thieves looked at each other in shock before returning their gaze to Courier.

"Me?" Kaiya pointed to herself in surprise, brows furrowed in confusion. "Or are you looking for Vex?"

Courier sighed with annoyance as he checked his fingernails for dirt, obviously bored by the conversation. "No miss, she specifically asked for you."

"I'll come with you," Mercer spoke in a hushed voice, attempting to make his statement private although it was overheard.

"I'm sorry but I can't let you do that," Courier replied, his eyes now back on the thieves but with the same bored expression. "She specifically asked for the maiden to come alone."

"I'll go, but you've gotta stop calling me maiden," Kaiya laughed, trying and failing to ease the tension.

"This way," Courier responded, leading the way as if his title somehow made him the authority on leaving the cistern.

Kaiya followed the man, turning once to give a shrug to the two thieves who stood dumbfounded. She couldn't help but think that Mercer looked paranoid. She laughed a bit to herself at the sight. He was turning into a regular ol' Delvin with how much he worried these days.

As she followed behind Courier, she found her mind wandering. What the hell had just happened between her and Mercer? She caught herself grinning at the memory and the butterflies in her stomach spinning chaotically as she thought of his words.  _I need you to feel what you make me feel. You're under my skin, in my head, my blood._ Her skin began to flush anew.

"I said, she'll be upstairs, miss."

"Oh," she hadn't realized they had made it to the Bee and Barb as sucked into her own thoughts as she had been. "Okay thanks… Courier?"

Courier rolled his eyes and walked off, not correcting her by giving his name.  _Courier it is then I guess_ , she thought to herself as she made her way up the stairs to face the matron.

She spotted her at once, sitting by herself at a table in the corner, no doubt set up just for her. Her posture was rigid, her features sharp. Kaiya wondered if there was anything about her that could be considered soft.

She held her head high as she approached the sitting matriarch, wanting to appear as confident as possible as to not seem fearful. Here she was, the godsdamned Dragonborn, Listener of the Dark Brotherhood, legendary Companion and she was nervous around a noblewoman. She was the one that people were supposed to be afraid of, but she swore Maven could scare away frostbite.

"You wanted to see me, Maven?"

Maven said not a word as she conspicuously let her eyes traverse over Kaiya, inspecting every inch of her. Kaiya felt like a bug pinned on display in an alchemist's lab with the way Maven stared at her with medical precision.

When Kaiya felt like she couldn't take the silent inspection any more, Maven finally spoke. "So you're the one that has Mercer all a twitter, hmm? You don't look so impressive."

Kaiya felt her fists clench at her side, trying with all her might to fight down her rising temper at the mere sound of the woman's voice.

"Looks can be deceiving, Maven, like right now for example. I look like I'm calm when really I'd rather smash your face into that table."  _So much for calm and reserved there Kai._

"Well you're a Firebrand, aren't you?" Maven sounded almost impressed.

"How about we skip the conversation, if you don't mind?" Kaiya retorted, cocking her hip to the side. "You asked me here for a reason and I doubt it was for us to throw passive aggressive insults at each other."

"Oh I meant no insult," Maven said smugly, too high class to ever stoop to trading barbs with a commoner. "It's about time Mercer sent me someone with a little backbone."

"All the more for you to break, right?" Kaiya slid her hand up to rest on her hip, calling up her nonchalance.

"Precisely. I'm glad to see you know your place." Maven spoke like a dart trap, each word sharp and venomous.

Kaiya had stared into the eyes of the Worldeater and they held less malice than the ones she stared into now. They stood quiet for a moment, sizing each other up like two sabre cats before a brawl.

"Well if you're quite finished with all of your intimidation attempts for the time being, I'd like to talk business." Maven took a trick from Kaiya and resorted to acting aloof, taking a seat as though the conversation she just had mattered little. "I have a job for you."

"Sounds good," Kaiya shrugged. No one would outplay her at the aloof game.

"Head to the Bannered Mare in Whiterun and look for Mallus Maccius. He'll fill you in on all the details." She waved her hand for Kaiya to leave, once again treating her like an insect.

"Right," Kaiya rolled her eyes and turned to go, happy to escape this painful interaction.

"Oh and Kaiya?" Maven called out, her voice dripping with honey. Kaiya stopped walking but did not turn around to face her. "In case I wasn't clear, you butcher this job and you'll be sorry."

Kaiya started moving again, making her way to the stairwell of the Bee and Barb as she heard Maven call out from behind her, "give Mercer my love!"

_This woman_. No wonder Mercer hated her so much. Kaiya wouldn't be surprised if she had a journal in her home where she had recorded everyone in Skyrim's pet peeves just so she knew how to poke them all.

As she made her way to the exit, she passed by a familiar Imperial mage sitting on his usual bench. "Kaiya!" he exclaimed, jumping up to follow her "Here to have ol' Marcurio take away the pain for you again? Care to have a few drinks?"

"Not now, Marc!" she barked in reply as she shoved him back before practically kicking open the doors of the inn to make her escape.

She made her way back to the cistern with a quickness. She knew Mercer probably wouldn't be too happy if he found out the way she had just spoken to Maven, but she didn't care. Maven had been right about one thing after all. Kaiya was definitely a Firebrand.

* * *

Mercer was nowhere to be found in the cistern.  _That was weird_. She'd have to just tell him about her meeting with Maven when he got back. She felt a small amount of relief at that, knowing that meant she could have a mead before she figured out what she wanted to do.

All of her makeshift plans came to a screeching halt as soon as she entered the Flagon and saw Mercer sitting at his usual spot at the bar. Drinking alone. It was almost sunrise; this was the earliest she had ever seen him at the bar. Something must have happened. She grabbed herself a bottle of mead from behind the bar before settling in at a stool next to him.

"How'd it go with Maven?" He didn't look at her, but stared forward. He seemed angry.

She figured it'd be better to avoid the question of 'how'd it go' seeing his current mood and instead answering what was sure to be the next question of 'why?'

"She has a job for me."

"Figures." He took a rather large sip of mead from his tankard at her answer. She could smell the mead on him. He'd been drinking this whole time, it seemed.

"You okay, Mercer?" she asked, reaching out a hand to place on his arm. He looked at her hand for a moment before she felt his shoulders slightly relax.

"Yeah, I just" he paused, letting his head drop down to touch his chin to his chest. "I was just angry. And worried. And did I mention angry?" He turned his head to look at her at this, his temper seeming to fizzle out a bit now that she was there.

"At me?" she asked, her hand still gripping his arm.

"Why?" he asked, an eyebrow shooting up at her playfully. "Should I be?"

He had just been kidding, but her response made him worry. She gave him an awkward grimace, her tell when she had information she knew he wasn't going to like.

"Ah shit Kai," he shook his head at her. "What did you do?"

"I just wasn't that nice to Maven," she shrugged innocently, obviously trying to downplay the severity of her actions.

"Details, Kaiya." It was a command, but it came out strained as if he did not have the energy to draw it out of her.

She went through the interaction in detail for him while he just stayed quiet, his eyes on his tankard. When she finished her story, complete with the "send Mercer my love!" comment that Maven had thrown at Kaiya's back, Mercer did not speak. He sat in the same position he had been sitting in, just as silent as he was when she was telling him what happened.

"And that's… that's it Mercer." she said, confused. She figured he must have been waiting for her to continue since he was being so quiet.

"Okay." was his response.

"Mercer, you're scaring me," Kaiya said, cautiously leaning back in preparation for something that was sure to come. "Say something, please."

"I don't know what to say." He spoke quietly.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't know what the right response is for dealing with her anymore, Kaiya." His head stayed down but his voice was pained. "Would it have been better if you kissed her ass? No, probably not. She would have either seen you as weak or as a pawn in her game that she could play as she pleased. At least now she knows she has to fight to get you to cooperate."

Kaiya felt the corners of her mouth tug upwards at his observation, although she knew it was too soon to celebrate.

"You realize she'll work harder to bring you down now though, right?" he asked, finally turning to look at her.

"Yeah," Kaiya responded with a shrug, "but we've already talked about the fact that she's going to do that anyway, so I might as well say what I want to her when I have the chance. Plus," she leaned in to whisper into his ear, "it's not like she can sick the Dark Brotherhood on me, you know?"

Mercer's lips lazily morphed into a lopsided smile as he looked over at her. Damn her for always being able to make everything okay. He watched her as she eyed him over her tankard while she sipped her mead. She really was beautiful.

"You're drunk," she laughed.

"Yep," he admitted as he smiled, looking down in his tankard.

"Why were you worried, Mercer?" she asked, putting her hand back on his arm.

"I'm worried Maven's going to try to take advantage of you," he said, honestly. "Especially if she knows you're Dragonborn."

"Why are you worried about that? You don't think I can defend myself?"

"Nah it's not like that" he shook his finger side to side at her, causing her to laugh at his drunken clumsiness. "She has this… thing… where she likes to… oh what's the word?... collect?... people in powerful positions."

"Mercer what in the Oblivion are you talking about?"

He laughed "THEE oblivion, I like it when you say that." He really was drunk.

"Mercer what do you mean she collects people in powerful positions?" she wanted to get the information out of him, but she couldn't help but smile at his drunken behavior.

"She wants as many powerful allies as she can find and she won't stop until she gets them." He took another sip from his tankard before continuing. "She'll start off nice at first before turning to blackmail, then it's full on threats. I've seen her do it a hundred times."

"And you think that she'd do that to me?"

"I don't think so," he let out a dark laugh. "I know so." He leaned in and touched the tip of her nose with his finger as he grinned.

Even though the information he was giving her was horrifying, she couldn't stop herself from smiling at the way it was being presented to her. She had never seen him drunk before and it was quite entertaining.

"Are you still worried that whatever this is," she swung her hand back and forth between them as Mercer had earlier, indicating that she meant their relationship, "will make her try harder?"

Mercer's jovial nature from moments before suddenly turned dark. Shadows seemed to adhere to him, casting dark lines along his features and causing his frown to look more severe. "Yes."

"Well, let her try," Kaiya laughed, trying to lighten the mood back to where it was before. "Like I said, I've handled worse."

"Maybe so," his voice was grave, "but you've never faced anything like this before, Kaiya."

"What are you saying?" she asked nervously, straight to the point as usual.

"I'm saying you should go. Leave tonight. Go to Whiterun. Do whatever job she laid out for you but when you return, things will be different." He turned his eyes to focus on hers, cold and pained with their severity. "I can't let myself slip like I did earlier. Whatever this was between us is done."

Kaiya stared at Mercer in complete stillness. Her face showed nothing. As she rolled his words over in her head, her anger rose to the surface and plastered itself on her face.

"Are you fucking serious!?" she shrieked at him, her voice shrill from shock.

"Dead serious." His expression matched his tone, cold and hard.

Kaiya reeled from the sudden turn in his demeanor. Just moments ago, he had been laughing and playful and then suddenly, stone cold sobriety. How could he do that? He had been overflowing with passion a few hours ago only to change to this now? He was so hot and cold, so on and off. She shook her head as all of the loose ends flew around in her mind, trying to make sense of the current mood. If this is the game he wanted to play then so be it. She'd crush him.

"Fine." she spat, tersely. "I'll leave for Whiterun now, but understand one thing Mercer." She leaned forward, the severity of her gaze sending a cold shock through Mercer's veins. He was no longer speaking with Kaiya the thief or even Kaiya the Dragonborn. This was Kaiya the assassin, cold as ice and just as cutting. For the first time since he met her, he understood how she was capable of killing without remorse. Of slitting the throat of an emperor. If it was possible, he would have bled from the sharpness of her words. "This is it. I am no longer putting up with your mood swings. I gave you my patience before, but that is gone. You have severed your ties to me for the last time. Do not expect a change of heart to win me back over when I return."

Mercer was speechless. He stared at her with wide eyes in response but nothing came to mind to say. She had frozen him solid with her words alone.

"I'll show you the meaning of dead serious, Frey."

And with that, she turned and walked away. She did not storm off. She did not run. She walked away with a sheer determination that only comes with years of building a solid resolve. She didn't look over her shoulder at him as she usually did. Her eyes stayed forward, as she moved like a wraith, a living embodiment of the void itself.


	10. Chapter 10

_15th of Sun's Dawn 4E203_

She wore her resolve like armor. She had done this before. If anyone knew how to put up a wall, it was Kaiya Hawkhart. The entire trip to Whiterun she did not sleep, or eat, or even talk. The driver learned quickly that she was not in the mood for conversation that night, so the ride had been a silent one. She simply stared forward, willing the night to leave her alone.

She met with Mallas at the Bannered Mare. She went to the meadery that Maven had her greedy, evil eyes set on. She intimidated the owner into giving her whatever she wanted to get it done. Once she crept into the tunnels below the meadery, she finally let out an emotion, but only one. Sheer rage.

Although she was attacking mere skeevers, she slashed at them with the same veracity in which she'd strike a dragon. She was covered in blood and viscera, entrails of the skeevers littering the ground in her wake. When she found herself in the belly of the tunnels, she actually grinned at the sight of a maniacal sorcerer, thrilled with the opportunity to take out her aggression on something human.

She charged at the man with her dagger and sword unsheathed, her Breton blood deflecting most of the spells he threw her way. Disappointingly, the sorcerer fell to her blows without putting up much of a fight. It was after the fight however, that she felt fear. Fear at what she was becoming.

The deranged mage lay dead on the floor, but Kaiya's assault did not cease. Her dagger plunged into his heart over and over and over, creating a sickly wet sound with each blow. She slashed his face and throat, relishing in the blood that sprayed over her face and hands, the smell of organs and copper thick in the air around her. It was her release, much like the straw dummies in the training room had been for her. But oh this was so much sweeter. She threw her dagger to the side when stabbing became too effective and started punching the corpse in what had once been his face. All of her rage and fury, pain and anguish came flying out of her through her wrecked and bloody fists. After what felt like hours, she tired and flung herself off of him to lay, flat on her back, on the floor in the midst of the blood and flesh that coated the stone. She stared at the ceiling, horrified at what just happened.

Her rage had always been such a useful tool, but it never ceased to terrify her. This is the rage that Paartharnax had warned her of. The Greybeards had told her of what her true nature would want to release. Every time she had persuaded them to believe that she could keep it under control. Who was she anyway? Alduin? No, she was much better than what he had become. She would never use her power that way.

But on occasion, usually when no one was around to see it, her fury would unleash itself. It usually found its way out when confronting someone who had hurt someone she cared about, but it really scared her when it came flying out of her like this, over something as mundane as a man. Was she becoming Alduin after all?

When this rumination had run its course, she slowly found a way to stand. Her legs wobbled with the loss of adrenaline that had pumped them previously. Now she was just empty. Empty and exhausted. But she still had work to do.

She made her way through the rest of the tunnels, not with any particular zeal. She did what she had to do. She placed the poison in the mead as she had been instructed, but not before helping herself to a tankard or two first. She needed something to calm her nerves.

She sat at the bar, still covered in blood and muck, when the captain of the guard entered the meadery. He gave her one look of surprise before deciding to ignore her. Smart man. She did not seem like a woman that should be bothered at the moment.

When all was said and done, another innocent man had been wiped from the ranks of Maven's competitors. She couldn't help but feel sorry for the man. After all, he had only stood up to Maven, the one thing that Kaiya so longed to do.

She could hear Mercer's words in her head as she thought about the matron. "You've never faced anything like this." She wondered what Maven could possibly use to threaten her with. Mercer? Maybe that's where his fear came from. He didn't want to be used as bait to lure the infamous Dragonborn into Maven's web to be devoured.  _Coward_.

She made her way to Sabjorn's quarters to finish the job, digging through his strongbox and his desk for any information on who his benefactor was. She almost gave up before she spotted it - an inconspicuous note in a random drawer. Opening it, she felt a shock run through her veins at the symbol that adorned the top of the paper. It was the same from Goldenglow.

_Someone is working against us_.

* * *

Before climbing back onto the carriage to bring her back to Riften, she stopped at the White River to clean herself off. She stood at the bank of the river, staring into the rushing water that ebbed and flowed around her. Slowly, she pulled off her leather cuirass. It was disgusting, covered and caked in blood and gods knows what else. She bent into the water to clean it, followed by her trousers. She stood by the river in nothing but her smallclothes, still caked in the consequences of her fury on the skeevers and the mage. It wasn't a particularly warm day in Whiterun, but the chill on the wind felt good against Kaiya's bare skin. It reminded her she was alive and that she could feel.

She dove into the water, the cold temperature causing her to lose her breath in shock. She stayed underwater as long as she could manage before rising to the surface, letting much needed air back into her lungs. When she plunged under again, she found herself wishing she could stay there. The world underneath the flow of the river was so removed. She couldn't hear anything else. She couldn't see anything else. It was just her and the icy cold water that rushed around her, removing all of the remnants of her earlier struggle from her body, face and hair. She burst through the surface once more as air became a necessity before she just let herself float, facing the sky.

What was happening to her? She had been so strong, so independent. Why was a man getting to her this way? She had never been affected by anyone so much in her life and it made her heart ache at the thought. Well, it was either the thought of how it affected her or the thought of what it was that affected her, she was unwilling to decide. She remembered Mercer's words. "Dead serious."  _Oh fuck him_ , she thought, spinning around in the icy water, but she couldn't shake it. Just as it always did, her mind found its way back to what she didn't want to think about. The times that made this hurt. When he laughed at her joke the first night she joined the guild. The look on his face the first time she shouted at him. The way he looked at her when he had her pinned beneath him. The way he never called her Dragonborn because it didn't matter to him. The way he jokingly referred to her weapons by their stupid names. The way he called her footpad. The way the green in his eyes burned when he tried to keep her from going upstairs with Marcurio. The way his voice rumbled from his chest when he spoke into her ear. The smell of smoke and water. The way the atmosphere seemed to bend around his very presence.

She had it bad. She had to admit it. And as ruminations tend to do, the worst possible advice from the last person she wanted to hear it from popped into her mind at the worst possible time.

_Ah come on Priestess. Be brave. Brave doesn't mean you're not scared, it means you still do it, even when you think you might shit your pretty little robes._

A smile broke on Kaiya's face at the memory, even though it ripped her in half to think of anything Festus had ever said to her. She found herself grasping her necklace as she thought of him. She wished she could talk to him right now. He would give her just the verbal ass kicking she needed to do the right thing. Damn she missed that ornery old man. He was always right. Even now, when he didn't even intend to give her the advice. Before she realized what she was doing, she found herself talking to him as if he were there with her.

"I'm scared, Festus."

She could almost hear his response and it made her laugh. She knew him too well. He would have told her "no shit, Priestess, but since when has that stopped ya?"

He was right. Fear was no reason not to go for something. The best things that had ever happened to her happened after she was afraid but did it anyway. She had faced loss, but she had also lived.

She pulled herself out of the water and found herself shivering uncontrollably at the drop in her body temperature.  _Shit, that was dumb_ , she thought to herself before casting a healing spell over her bare form. It didn't warm her up, but it took away the pins and needles at least. She laid in the grass as she stared at the sun, letting the last warm rays of the Whiterun afternoon warm her ice cold skin. As the feeling came back into her limbs, she could practically feel the blood rushing around in her body.

That's when it hit her. That's what life was about. Do the things that make your blood rush around in your veins. And right now, there was only one thing that could make her blood pump more than any other. Mercer godsdamned Frey.


	11. Chapter 11

_16th of Sun's Dawn 4E203_

She jumped onto the carriage at the Whiterun stables just like she had a thousand times, saying hey to Bjorlam as she tossed him his fare. The carriage ride went by without event, confirming in Kaiya's mind that she was on the right path. Kaiya was an expert at letting the most mundane of details confirm her theories even if there was no correlation.

She hopped off the carriage and made her way into the Bee and Barb to wrap things up with Maven. She barely listened as the woman spoke this time, adamant that she would not let Maven do anything to upset her new goal of making this thing work with Mercer, whatever it was. She nodded and accepted the lame payment Maven offered and before she knew it, the conversation was over. See? She could do this.

It was when she saw Mercer walking out of Haelga's that her good mood and all of her happy theories came to a screeching halt. She felt her heart in her throat at the sight, but nothing compared to the way her stomach clenched when she saw Haelga flirtatiously touch his shoulder as she laughed at some joke Mercer must have told her.  _That bitch just touched him_.

The fact that he didn't seem to mind her touching him is what ignited the fire. Before she knew what she was doing, Kaiya had stormed over to stand right in front of their interaction. Mercer may not feel for her like she felt for him, but she would be damned to Oblivion before she let this go without a fight. It was his reaction to seeing her that struck the final blow into Kaiya's heart.

He saw her, looked right at her, and nodded before turning his attention back to Haelga. Almost to spite her, he placed his hand in the small of Haelga's back. It was a small gesture, but he couldn't have hurt her more if he had cast a spell at her with that hand. Tears filled up her eyes but she was determined not to let Mercer see her like this. She had to get away from Mercer for a while. She knew what she had to do.

Before she had time to register what she was doing, she had burst through the front doors of Mistveil Keep and had made her way to the Jarl's steward, sitting patiently by the jarl as she listened to griping residents of her hold. The steward looked right at Kaiya before diverting her attention back to the Nord currently grumbling about wheat taxes.  _What was going on? Did she have an invisibility spell up that she was unaware of today_?

Not to be dismissed so easily, she pulled on the steward's arm, effectively yanking her out of the chair she had been sitting in.

"Ow!" she complained, rubbing her arm dramatically as the Jarl's bodyguard took a step closer.

"Don't worry there muscles," Kaiya said to the man to calm his fears. "I don't intend to massacre the hold today."

He took a step back but his hand remained on his sword as he watched her skeptically.

"I want to buy a house." Kaiya spat out at the steward. "The Jarl told me one was available and I want to buy it."

"What's with the urgency?" the steward asked, still rubbing her arm.

"That's none of your concern," Kaiya responded tersely. "I just need the house tonight, okay? Oh, and whatever decor you guys normally throw together. I've got the coin, just tell me what you need."

Over 10,000 septims and a few annoyed sighs later, Kaiya held the key to her new home in her hand. She couldn't help but smile at it, knowing she made the right move. Some space away from the cistern would be good.

She bound her way over to her home, flush with the excitement of decorating a new house and with the thrill of the title of Thane. She had a housecarl again. As much as the loyal Nord type tended to annoy her, Kaiya was excited about the possibility of having someone who wasn't a rogue to talk to.

Just as she expected however, once the excitement of purchasing the new property began to lose its edge, she found herself moping again. She decided to take advantage of her new loyal friend by asking her opinion.

"Iona, say you were kind of involved with this guy," she began her question as she organized alchemy supplies on the shelf on the bottom floor of her new home.

"Are you asking my advice my Thane or are you asking if I'm involved with anyone?"

That was a weird question. "Uh, I'm asking your advice on something that happened today."

"So you're involved with someone?" Iona asked. What was with these weird questions? If Kaiya didn't know any better, she'd think this woman was hitting on her.

"Uh sort of. I mean I guess so. Or I was. It's complicated."

"Continue your question," Iona prompted as she collected the ice wraith teeth for the shelf. "I'm listening."

"Right, okay. Well I'll just cut to it then," she turned and faced her housecarl. "Would you be upset or think it was reason to worry if you saw someone you were involved with talking with Haelga?"

"Haelga? As in the Bunkhouse?"

_No, another Haelga, what do you think?_ "Yes, that Haelga. He was talking to her and she laughed and touched his shoulder and he didn't seem to mind but then the worst part is he put his hand in the small of her back and I don't know if I should be upset and assume something happened or just let it go and assume it was a work conversation or something and I need someone who isn't a degenerate to tell me how to feel." She said it all in one breath, her pitch growing higher as the story went on.

"Okay," Iona struggled to process the information. "What do you mean someone who isn't a degenerate?"

Kaiya let out a heavy sigh. So much for talking with someone. "You seem like a good person, so you won't give me advice like some of the other people I associate with. That's all. That's not really the most important aspect of that story though." She was trying to keep her calm and not react like a smartass like she normally would. She just met this woman and wanted to be friends. Best to not alienate her on the first day they met.

"Well this guy was involved with you and decided to have a conversation with Haelga, it must not be that serious. I wouldn't let anyone I was seeing ever go around that harlot."

_Great. Another puritan._ "I don't care what she does for a living as much as I care if he … partook… in her services. She can do whatever she wants and they can talk all they want as long as he didn't…  _do_.. Anything. You catch my meaning?"

"Well what else would they be talking about?"

"Work?" Kaiya realized there wasn't much she could say on this topic, so she kept it as vague as possible.

"And what line of work would need to associate with Haelga?" Iona shivered at the thought, obviously a little grossed out at what Haelga did for a living.

"I don't know, but I'm sure there are legitimate business ventures that would need discussing." Kaiya shot a confused look a Iona, not expecting anyone her age and living in Riften to be such a prude. "Do you have an issue with promiscuous women?"

"No, just homewreckers." Iona's tone was jarring and clipped. This obviously hit close to home for her, so Kaiya resolved not to push her on it any further.

"Right, well…" Kaiya was at a loss for words on how to respond. This conversation had not been helpful at all. Times like these made Kaiya truly miss Gabriella. She would have been plotting Haelga's assassination by now. "I better go. I've got some work to attend to." She knew she was being awkward, but she wanted to disengage from this conversation as quickly as possible. Looks like she'd be spending another night at the Flagon after all.


	12. Chapter 12

_16th of Sun's Dawn 4E203_

Kaiya quietly entered the cistern through the secret entrance, trying to bring as little attention to herself as possible. She was not sure if he would be there or not, but she did not want him to see her if he was. Her eyes on her boots, she swiftly made her way towards the Flagon; she didn't even address any of her fellow guild members. It was of no use.

"KAIYA!"

The booming voice of the Guildmaster reverberated throughout the room, bouncing off of the stone walls and bringing all movement to a grinding halt. She froze in her tracks before letting her eyes slowly make their way to his position behind the guildmaster's desk. He stood straight, fists clenched at his sides, his anger palpable even from the distance in which she stood from him.

She winced at the sight of him, reeling from the blow of his voice. She timidly turned in his direction and made her way towards him to confront whatever caused the wrath he was sending her way in waves.

She took the opportunity during her walk to try to calm her frayed nerves.  _Don't let him see you upset, Kai_  she told herself.  _Don't let him see he's hurt you_.

As she approached the desk, she noticed that all the members of the guild were still silent, watching with bated breath to see what was going to happen. It was like watching an execution: no one wanted to see it but you couldn't help but watch.

His eyes were pinned on her as she stood before him, a few moments passed in silence as she used all of her willpower not to look away. She was determined to keep his gaze and not cower. Not now.

"When were you planning on reporting to me after your job?" His voice was deep and low, obviously in an effort to keep this conversation between them.

She cocked her head to the side and felt a smirk take over her features. "I reported back to Maven, was that not right?" Sarcasm dripped from her question. "I mean, you've made it pretty clear that she's the one in charge."

Fury enveloped his very being, causing a momentary shudder of fear to rip through Kaiya's body. His eyes seemed to burn green as if they were on fire and his fists clenched at his sides to the point his knuckles turned white.

"Careful, Kaiya" his voice was even and measured, though it could not hide the unbridled rage that boiled just under the surface. "You do not want to continue down that road."

She crossed her arms and glared back to show that she was not afraid of him, but he did not miss the movement of her throat as she swallowed in nervousness. Although she had no intention of backing down, she had been effectively persuaded not to push the Maven angle any harder. That would not end well.

"Well as you can see Guildmaster," she continued, acting as though his mood had no effect on her. "I have returned and the job was completed to perfection." She dug in her bag and pulled out the enchanted iron dagger that Maven had given her as a meager payment for her services and tossed it onto the desk. The resulting clang of metal on wood rang out through the quiet cistern. "Her pay was shit though."

His eyes did not move from hers as he completely ignored the dagger on the desk. His penetrating stare was beginning to eat at her, slowly boring itself into her mind. She hated it when he looked at her like that, especially since she had seen so many more pleasant expressions planted on his face not too long ago.

"Anything else?" he asked skeptically, his body language communicating that he knew there was more. He was pushing for her to tell him.

"Sounds like you've already heard all about it, so I don't know why you're so upset" she responded with a shrug, crossing her arms across her chest.

"You don't see why I might be upset that you discovered a note at the meadery that happened to have the same symbol on it as the bill of sale at Goldenglow? That meant nothing to you?"

_Shit._  Kaiya winced at the onslaught of his temper, the sickening feeling of failure beginning to eat at her stomach. He just continued. "Because it should. It should stand out that someone is obviously trying to sabotage us but no," he paused to laugh mirthlessly, running his hands through his hair. "Telling Maven about it was plenty. No need to inform your Guildmaster."

Kaiya stood stunned by the revelation Mercer spat at her in anger. It bothered her that he had a point. She despised that he was always in control. Always in the right. Just when she felt she finally had a leg to stand on against him, he reminded her that she had lost her focus, yet again, on the objective. She said nothing, her silence persuading him to continue on his tirade.

"When you complete a job for the guild, you have a responsibility to report back to me. I thought that was understood." His voice was steel and cold, a stark contrast to his wild appearance. "Tell me you understand."

She nodded, hoping that would be enough to end the conversation. It wasn't.

"Say it." He commanded her, raising his voice ever so slightly to express his seriousness. "Say you understand."

He was embarrassing her on purpose, which infuriated her. He was pulling rank, forcing her to humiliate herself before him like some groveling sinner. She refused, staring back at him with her arms crossed over her chest in defiance.

She chose to explain herself instead "Mercer I had every intention of reporting back it's just -"

"SAY IT!" he thundered at her, his face a horrifying shade of red to match the fire in his words. He was not going to let this go. She would cower.

"I understand, Guildmaster." Her voice was ice, rigid with the promise of retribution for his actions. Mercer felt his stomach turn at the coldness of her words as he could once again see the assassin in her.

"Good." His voice was now lower, but his countenance no less angry. "Now that we understand each other, I expect that next time you have a job you will report directly back to me instead of wandering all over Riften for the day."

"Should I have reported to you when you were with Haelga, Guildmaster?" she spat, a little louder than was really necessary.

Kaiya hated that she brought her up. She could hear the jealousy in her own voice and that made her feel ashamed and weak. She didn't want him to know that seeing him with her affected her as much as it had, but if he was going to bring up the fact that he had seen her in Riften, she would bring up what he was doing.

Mercer's face flashed a moment of confusion before settling into a knowing stare. He no longer looked as angry as he had, but that made Kaiya cringe. He didn't need to be angry when he had the upper hand.

He leaned forward and placed his palms on the desk as he closed in the distance between them. "Is that it then?" he asked, his voice now deep and gravelly, inaudible to anyone but her. "Is that what this is about? You avoided reporting to me because of misplaced jealousy?"

"Don't flatter yourself Mercer," she said as she leaned over the desk herself, closing the distance between them to mere inches. "Seeing you pay for sex did not make me jealous. It made me pity you."

"Is that what you thought happened?" He did not even try to hide the surprise in his voice. "Oh that's rich!" He was laughing now. He ran his hands through his hair in exasperation before returning his gaze to her. "Jumping to conclusions a bit there, are we not Footpad? You seem to have forgotten that Haelga is a client of ours."

"And now you're a client of hers," she retorted, not letting his laughter get the better of her. "What a mutually beneficial business deal, Mercer. She gets our protection and you get to stuff your coffers with a mark of Dibella."

"Watch it" he warned her, his voice now going back to steel and ice. "I have given you more patience than you deserve in this conversation Kaiya but you have now worn it thin. Bottom line, report to me after a job, even if you think I'm paying for sex. Hell, even if I'm in the act, Kaiya. Even then." He let his face morph into a wicked grin, knowing that his words would cut her. "Just knock first."

He thought it would feel nice to take a jab at her since she had been so vicious with him, but he had been wrong. He thought he would like to watch her feel a fraction of what he had felt the night he knew she was with that godsdamned mage in the Bee and Barb, but it was not what he had hoped. Watching as her face melted into sheer horror at the thought of seeing him with someone else, he immediately realized he had made a grave mistake. He knew he was being unfair. He was the one that had made their relationship off limits and here he was, rubbing it in her face to hurt her. Guilt formed in the pit of his stomach like a sickness yet he could not will himself to speak, to amend. They just stared at each other, her eyes brimming with tears and his mouth in a frown.

She nodded once before saying "understood, Guildmaster." The way her voice cracked with emotion as she spoke ripped Mercer's guilt open, spilling it into his very being.

"Kaiya…" he started to respond in a much softer tone before she interrupted him, her head shaking and her eyes closed.

"No Mercer, I said I understand." A single tear fell from the corner of her eye. "May I go?"

He had no idea how to respond, so he merely nodded once and watched her as she turned and walked away, trying to hold her head high. The feeling of sickness overwhelmed him at what he had done, but he would not run after her. He couldn't. He was forced to stand there as he watched her retreating form and silently berate himself for his tyranny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never cease to get irritated at the lame payment you get from Maven for this quest. A dagger? Really?


	13. Chapter 13

_16th of Sun's Dawn 4E203_

Kaiya sat at the bar in the Ragged Flagon, downing one mead after another without so much as a word to anyone else. They had all seen the argument that took place between Kaiya and the Guildmaster although they had no idea how bad it had really been. In an unspoken agreement, everyone gave her space. She needed time to herself.

Her mind was racing.  _What had happened between them!?_  Just a few days ago he had pinned her to the stone wall in his backyard as he kissed her, telling her of what she did to him and how she made him crazy. She thought things were finally going to start working out. Even after he told her it was over before she left for Whiterun, she had convinced herself that he had just been spooked. He would just need a little more time. Then, out of nowhere, he threw a relationship she didn't even know he had into her face! She knew he had felt remorse for it, but it was apparently not enough remorse for him to come after her and apologize. She felt sick and it wasn't from the four bottles of mead she had drained in a span of 10 minutes.

The rest of the patrons at the Flagon watched her through side glances with worry as she absentmindedly spun the ring around her neck in her fingers. Everyone knew she did that when she was stressed and everyone knew to never ask her about it. Hushed whispers asked each other what happened, what had he said to her? But no one dared ask her.

Only one person had been brave enough to speak to her at all, and that hadn't gone very well. Delvin had approached her at the bar before he had realized her mood and told her congratulations on the new house and title. He had heard of her purchase and her anointing of Thane earlier in the day when Courier had come down to relay that the mission had been a success. She had not wanted to talk about it.

Because of this, an audible gasp could be heard around the Flagon when one of the newer members, Ravyn Imyan, decided to take the seat next to her an attempt to start a conversation. Vekel shook his head no. Ravyn waved him off. Sapphire tried to distract him away from talking with her, but Ravyn ignored her efforts. For whatever reason, Ravyn seemed determined that he was going to have a conversation with the obviously distraught Kaiya.

"Whatcha drinkin?" he asked first, trying to test the waters. She didn't respond, only shooting him an aggravated look before she downed yet another bottle of mead.

"You just going to sit there all night and not speak to anyone?" he taunted, his tone becoming more aggressive after being brushed off by her. "You can do that at your fancy new house. Why be here?"

She ignored him again, staring ahead while the rest of the Flagon tensed in apprehension.

"Are you serious?" he began to laugh, looking around at the other guild members for someone else to join in with him on his attack. "Is she serious right now?"

Delvin spoke a warning. "Lay off it, Ravyn. Leave her alone."

"Oh she'd like that wouldn't she?" he taunted, turning his attention back to the angry thief on the stool next to him. His voice was quieter now, trying to keep his words away from the eavesdropping patrons around the bar. "You'd like it if I left you alone, but I don't think I will. I think I want you to speak to me, so I can see what is so godsdamned special about you. Why everyone in this godsdamned guild worships the ground you walk on. Why even the tyrant of a Guildmaster we have seems to think you're special."

Kaiya continued to ignore him. The only sign she even heard him was a look of annoyance that was beginning to take hold on her face. Ravyn clearly did not like being ignored.

"Why do you think you have the right to ignore me, huh?" he leaned closer, everything about him sending off warning signs that he was in an aggressive mood. "I'm speaking to you!"

He pulled on her arm that was closest to him, trying to break her attention by yanking her hand away from her necklace. The contact got a reaction from her, but not much of one. She simply glared at him before returning her gaze forward and her hand back to her necklace.

The tension of the room was growing now, everyone on a knife's edge wondering if they should step in or if Kaiya would rather handle it herself. A few "Ravyn, no" or "stop Ravyn" comments could be heard around the room, but he ignored all of them.

"What's this, huh?" he asked, not able to hide the aggression in his tone as he reached across her and put his hand on the necklace she always wore. "Why are you always touching this thing huh? You keep caressing it like a child's plaything."

At this, Vekel stepped in. "Ravyn, stop. You're being ridiculous."

"I'm being ridiculous?!" Ravyn asked with a laugh, "I'm being ridiculous? What about her? How is it not ridiculous that she sits there ignoring everyone around her except for that godsdamned necklace, huh?"

He turned his attention back to her and was momentarily jarred by her change in expression. She no longer stared vacantly before her, but now her eyes bored into his own with a warning. He was not deterred.

"It's crazy really," he spoke quietly again "how much you rely on that godsdamned necklace. Is it sentimental or somethin? A gift from a lover?" He laughed without humor.

Kaiya's eyes bored into him and everyone around her could feel the void itself emanating from her glare.

"Nah it's not a lover, you're too crazy for that. Too crazy for it to be a gift from family too. I know a girl with daddy issues when I see one." He continued to flip the ring around the chain as he taunted her. "No this here is a gift from a father  _figure_ , a replacement dad, isn't it?"

Kaiya's entire body became rigid but inside she was a firestorm. Ravyn was playing a dangerous game.

"Aw, I was right wasn't I?" he mocked, finally releasing the ring as he rested his chin on his hand. "Where is your stand in father now, Kaiya? Why did he leave you all alone with nothing but a cheap silver ring?"

The last shred of restraint Kaiya had shattered into pieces to be replaced by the fiery, unbridled rage that she tried so hard to keep dormant. She had lost. The rage had consumed her.

She leapt out of her barstool at the Dunmer next to her, his wide eyes the only response he had time to give. In an instant, she was straddling him on the stone floor as her fists wailed into his face. The Flagon came alive, all of her fellow guild members trying to pull her off of him to no avail. She was unstoppable when she was like this.

After a few hard punches to his now bloodied face, she horrified everyone around her when she unsheathed her dragonbone dagger and held it to the terrified Dunmer's throat. She finally spoke, her voice as cold as the grave.

"You see this dagger?" She held it up to show it to him, close enough that he could feel the enchantments coming off of the dragonbone. He nodded quickly, his eyes full of fear. "This is the dagger I used to kill the Emperor of Tamriel. Isn't it beautiful?"

"Please Kaiya, I'm sorry" Ravyn's voice shook as he quivered below her.

"I said, isn't it beautiful?" she used the blade of the dagger to lift his chin to make eye contact with her as tears flowed out of his swollen eyes in terror.

"Y-y-yes," he stuttered, "it's b-b-beautiful, Kaiya."

"I think so too," she smiled like a predator as she returned the blade to his throat. "I would hate to sully the reputation of this dagger, but if you ever speak of him again I will not hesitate to slit your throat, do you understand me?"

He nodded quickly, his breath ragged with relief that she seemed to be only threatening him.

"I said, do you understand me, Ravyn? I need to hear you say it." She used the blade of her dagger to scrape along the side of his face, its sharpness effectively shaving off several hairs along its trajectory.

"Y-y-yes I underst-stand, Kaiya." He gulped, hoping this would appease her.

"Good." Her voice was stone. "Now stay the fuck away from me."

She pushed herself off of him to stand, knees and hands shaky from the pumping adrenaline. As she looked around her, she felt her heart drop. Her fellow guild members stood, gawking at her in sheer horror. They had all just watched her snap and were all witnesses to her rage. The rage she tried so hard to conceal from anyone. They saw it. They were afraid of her.

The sudden shock of being pulled out of her daze churned in her stomach. She was mortified. What had she done? She found herself clumsily backing away from all of them as they stared. "I'm sorry," she mumbled, barely loud enough to hear. "I shouldn't've done that." Her eyes were wide, looking from Tonilia to Vekel to Delvin, hoping someone would say something, do something. Fight her, yell at her, something. Instead they just continued to stare back with blank, horrified faces. "I have to go."

She forced herself to turn and run out of the Flagon, through the cistern and out the secret entrance for what she knew would be the last time. She could never go back. It was too soon to join a guild, she should have known better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kaiya scares the hell out of me sometimes.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaiya finally talks about her time in the Dark Brotherhood

_16th of Sun's Dawn 4E203_

Kaiya ran towards her new home, away from the cistern. Away from the life she had grown to love. Away to never look back. She didn't bother lifting her hood to cover her from the rain that fell in sheets around her. It seemed too fitting a setting to ruin with protection. She deserved the storm.

She fumbled with her new keys at the door to her new house as the rain continued to pelt into her, the icy chill from the wind biting at her through her soaked leathers. After finding the right key and eventually getting it into the keyhole, she threw open the door to her new home and stepped inside. She slammed the door behind her and spared a moment in panic to lean her weight against the door, letting her mind make sense of what she had to do.

Her moves were frantic, a panicked attempt to gather her belongings into her large pack. She had to get out of there before anyone followed her. She couldn't look them in the eyes after what she had done. She saw their fear. She hated it. She hated when people she cared for looked at her that way. It had happened too many times and try as she might, she could never protect them all from what they should fear most. Her.

She began throwing robes and loose clothing into her pack, grabbing at books and alchemy ingredients. There was no logic behind her erratic packing. She just knew she needed to put things in the pack. Then she'd leave.

"My Thane?" A groggy voice could be heard from the stairs as Iona made her way up to see what the commotion was about. "What are you doing?"

"I need to get out of here Iona. Now." Kaiya's words were clipped and offered no explanation. Iona stood at a distance, taking in the hectic scene before her.

"Why do you need to leave?"

"I just do," Kaiya snapped, her eyes never leaving her erratic packing long enough to look Iona's way. "Don't ask questions right now okay? Just… don't."

"Okayyy…" Iona spoke warily. "Can I help?"

"What? No!" she seemed flustered by Iona's questions. Wasn't it obvious that she didn't want to be bothered right now? She could feel her anger ebbing and flowing beneath the surface. It terrified her to know that she could snap again at any moment from the way things had been going for her lately.

She could do one good deed though. She could free Iona. She could protect her.

"Iona you don't need to be around me right now. I'm too dangerous." Her eyes finally lifted from their mission to meet her housecarl's, staring back with utter confusion. "You should get out of here and stay away from me."

"I'm sworn to…" Iona started to object before Kaiya cut her off.

"That's an order, Iona!" Kaiya bellowed. "Get out of here! Go to Mistveil Keep. Get away from me right now. Protect yourself. I just…" Kaiya's entire body seemed to vibrate from her nerves. She was cracking. "I just can't bear the thought of someone being around me if I crack tonight, okay? I don't know what I'll do."

Iona swore that Kaiya heard her gulp in fear as she nodded. "As you wish my Thane" she said before she hopped around the chaotic Breton and made her way out of the house, letting the door slam behind her.

Kaiya sighed with relief. In this moment she couldn't be more thankful for Iona's loyalty in unquestionably listening to her Thane's command. Iona wasn't stupid. She may have just saved her own life.

Zipping around the house and piling the last items she thought she may need into her pack, Kaiya's mind haphazardly put a plan together. She'd head out tonight and go back to Whiterun, or maybe even her house in the Pale. She needed total isolation when she was like this. She couldn't be trusted.

Her scheming was interrupted with a swift knock at her front door. Three loud bangs. It could not go unnoticed. Kaiya had a feeling she knew exactly who was standing at the door, but his bold knocks could not go unanswered. She owed him that much.

She opened the door in one large, dramatic motion and let her eyes scan the soaking wet Breton that stood before her.

"What are you doing here, Delvin?" she asked as she moved back away from the door, leaving it open for Delvin to step inside.

"You're a smart girl, Kaiya. I'm pretty sure you can figure it out." His voice gave no hints as to what he was thinking. The door slammed behind him as he stood in her home, flinching at the sound.

"Look Delvin," she began, returning to her frantic attempt at packing, "I know what I did was fucked up, okay? You don't have to worry about chastising me though. I'm leaving. I won't bother you guys anymore."

"What?" Delvin's response was thick with surprise. "Is that why you think I'm here, to berate you for what you did?"

Kaiya didn't answer. She didn't have to. The look of confusion on her face said it all.

"Divines, Kaiya," Delvin sighed. One of his hands made its way to the back of his neck, rubbing it anxiously as his questioning gaze fixed on her. "I was coming here to see if you were okay."

"No I'm not okay!" Kaiya shrieked, "That's why I have to go Delvin! I am a pressure plate! I tried to warn Mercer, I did. I told him this would happen but no, he said we could fix it. He said it would be okay because I had my family but guess what, looks like he was wrong. News flash everyone! The omniscient Guildmaster was wrong!"

Her rant was not directed at Delvin. In fact, it wasn't directed at anyone in particular, just a rant into the void. Her erratic ramblings matched her erratic movements. Delvin knew he had to do something quick before she broke in half. He reached out and grabbed her hands and did not release them when she tried to pull away. He held her wrists and pulled her to face him so she could see the seriousness in his face as he spoke to her.

"Kaiya stop. Stop fighting me! Stop!" To get her to stop fighting, he slammed her back against the wall, pinning her hands to her chest. "Kaiya! Stop and listen to me!"

The sound of Delvin yelling caught her off guard and she froze, giving him the opportunity to speak. She listened.

"Kaiya it's okay. We're okay. No one faults you for what you did back there. Yeah, it was horrifying, but he asked for it. Mercer is handling him. It's okay."

"Mercer?" she whispered in confusion. Why did Delvin say his name? What did he have to do with this?

"Yes, Kaiya. Mercer is handling Ravyn and to put it bluntly, I don't envy the Dunmer. I've never seen Mercer so angry after I told him what happened."

"What did you say happened?" Kaiya was confused. Delvin was being sweet, but he was protecting her too much. He was being unfair.

"I told him that Ravyn was bullying you. I told him that he pushed you and pushed you until you gave him what he deserved." He paused, taking a deep breath to steady his nerves. "I told him the truth."

"No you didn't," Kaiya spat as she shook her head. "Delvin I snapped back there. I let crazy Kaiya out. I acted like a godsdamned savage and you shouldn't have told him any differently. I saw the look on everyone's faces. They are terrified of me, Delvin."

Despite the tense conversation, Delvin found himself chuckling at her answer. Mercer was right about her. She was so hard on herself. "Good!" he laughed, "it's not a bad thing that they're scared of you Kaiya. You showed everyone tonight why you shouldn't be underestimated. We've all had that moment. We've all shown the guild exactly why we are formidable at some point or another. You think Mercer's never done that?"

"It's not the same," Kaiya spoke quietly now. "I can cause a lot more destruction if I throw a tantrum like that. I'm dangerous enough as it is Delvin but when I can't control myself? I'm a liability. A shock rune. You can't trust me."

Delvin was quiet for a moment as he thought about how to respond. Kaiya had always been so reserved. Not only was she open and raw, but she was scared. Scared of herself. He hadn't expected that.

"Kaiya, look at me," he spoke quietly, forcing her to concentrate to hear what he said. "Yes, you're dangerous. You're the dragonborn. You're an assassin. Not just any assassin either, but the Listener. I know. I know all of it Kaiya and I've never been afraid of you before. I do trust you. Now I need you to tell me why you don't trust yourself."

Tears began to stream out of the corners of Kaiya's eyes at Delvin's words. She felt as though her heart was breaking anew at his kindness. Vex was lucky to have him. In an instant, she realized that he was truly her friend. Mercer had meant it when he said that the family could help her. She didn't have to bear her burdens alone. All of the hope and love she had felt for the guild came pouring out of her as she let her head fall against Delvin's shoulder.

"Because I'm broken, Delvin." The tears fell freely now and Delvin released her wrists so he could wrap his arms around her. "I thought I could push on like I had before. I thought it would get better, but it's not. I'm broken and I can't fix myself and I'm scared. I don't know what to do."

He was quiet for a moment, only whispering out "shh it's okay" as he rubbed her back. As he felt her body begin to relax under him, he spoke. "What broke you, love?"

"She did." The anger was palpable in her voice now as she gripped Delvin's leathers. He felt his heartbeat increase with a tinge of fear as he remembered her actions from earlier when she was angry, but he told her he trusted her so trust her he would.

"Astrid?"

Kaiya felt herself cringe at the mention of her name. She hadn't spoken it in a year for fear of what it would do to her. To the memories. Part of her feared it would bring her back.

"Yes," she spoke softly now although anger could still be heard on the fringe of her words. "She took everything from me. My home. My family." Her grip on Delvin's leathers increased. "I know you knew her Delvin and I'm sorry. I know you loved her once. But she wasn't good enough for you Delvin. She had given me the only family I had ever really known. The only place I felt accepted. And then she took it from me and for what? Fucking pride. I hate pride. She deserved what she got."

"I know she did." Delvin felt his stomach turn at the mention of Astrid's death. He had only heard rumors and they had broken his heart. Hearing it from Kaiya's mouth was almost too much to bear, but she was the only one that knew. He fought back his tears as he considered her words. This wasn't about him. It was about Kaiya.

"Tell me about them, Kai." He continued to rub her back and he spoke softly, trying his best to comfort her. Hoping he could help her heal.

"Who?" she asked, her head still on his shoulder.

"Your family. Not Astrid. Tell me about the rest of your family. The ones you loved. What were they like?"

She was quiet for a moment before she spoke. "Veezara was the last of the Shadowscales. The last of a dying breed."

"I met him once. Tell me about him."

"He was kind and loyal. He jumped in front of an assassination attempt on Astrid once, ya know. He took the blade. He served her faithfully and lost his life for it."

"No, don't tell me how he died. Tell me how he lived. What did you love about him?"

"He was quiet and contemplative. He would always ask the questions no one else thought to ask. He was a great listener." Despite her broken heart as she spoke of him for the first time in months, Kaiya felt herself smile at the happy memories that flooded her as she thought of her friend.

"He sounds like a good friend," Delvin replied honestly.

"He was."

"Who else? Tell me about another one."

"Arnbjorn was an ass," Kaiya laughed as she spoke, adoration clearly in her insult. It sounded more like a term of endearment.

"Oh yeah, I remember him," Delvin laughed and cringed at the same time. They had an awkward relationship at best.

"Yeah I bet you do," Kaiya laughed again before growing more serious. "Arnbjorn put up a wall to everyone at first, but once he lowered it and you got to know him, he was a big softie. He felt deeply, which is why I guess he had the wall up so high. Protecting himself. But we all loved him for his gruff demeanor because we all saw it for what it was. Armor. We would pick on him about it, but it was all in love."

"Go on," Delvin encouraged as Kaiya got quiet.

"Gabriella was my friend." It was obvious that they were getting closer to her heart now as they went down the ranks. "She was the first woman I had to talk to after coming to Skyrim. I could be myself with her. She accepted my crazy. I could talk to her about men and she would get mad, sad or happy with me. She was sharp and witty and so damn funny," Kaiya laughed as she remembered her friend. "I wonder sometimes what she would say about Mercer."

Delvin laughed at the thought. An overprotective, dangerous, assassin friend to the dangerous assassin? Delvin assumed that even Mercer would gulp in nervousness at that.

"Nazir, Babette and Cicero are still around, but I don't see them much anymore." Regret filled her words now. "I love them and always will, but I'm just not ready."

"I'm sure they understand, love."

"Cicero was the first one to see me lose my temper," she confessed. "He is the one that coined the name 'crazy Kaiya' for when I went all ragey like that. He loved it," she laughed. "It was on Commander Maro, the one who had ordered the strike against the sanctuary. I didn't make his death easy."

Delvin stilled for a moment at the recollection of what he had heard about the death of Commander Maro. He had always assumed it was legend but now that he knew the power in the broken woman in his arms, he knew it was all true. He felt a shiver run down his spine as he realized what she was capable of.

"What about Festus?" Delvin asked innocently, knowing that he was the only brother Kaiya hadn't mentioned. As he felt her tense under his arms he knew that Festus had been special to her and his stomach turned. This one was closest to her heart.

"I don't want to talk about Festus," she whispered, tears beginning to flow freely from her eyes again.

"I know, but I want to know about him Kai. Tell me something you loved about him. Tell me one story." Delvin encouraged her, knowing this is the only way she could heal.

"I called him Uncle Festus. He called me Priestess," she laughed, remembering.

"Priestess?" Delvin asked, intrigued. "I wouldn't have expected that to ever be a nickname of yours."

"He was the first person I met in Skyrim. I was wearing a priest robe as a disguise. He knew it immediately." She laughed again as she tightened her grip on Delvin's leathers. "He fed me when I was starving. He told me to come find him. He was the first one that saw something in me, Delvin. He was gruff and mean and grumpy but he saw something in me. He saw my potential. He taught me so much," her voice cracked with emotion as she continued, her eyes streaming with fresh tears. "He's the one that taught me not to be afraid of my own strengths and showed me how to use them to my advantage. He taught me nothing was a weakness if you knew how to cover it up." Her grip tightened further and Delvin knew that speaking about him was ripping her wound open but it would be worth it. He hoped.

"The last time I saw him before…" she paused. It was obvious she had never spoken this story aloud before and she did not know how she wanted to reference his death. "Before… it happened… he gave me a ring that had been his when he was younger. He said he wanted me to have it because I was the daughter he had wanted. I remember laughing and reminding him that he had already had a daughter. I'll never forget his response."

She laughed now at the memory before doing her best Festus impression. It was pretty good. "He said 'I said daughter I wanted, Priestess! Are you even listening? Those other girls aren't my daughters because I happened to knock up their mothers. Have you learned nothing from me? You choose your family and that's the only family that matters. Now I'm trying to pay you a compliment godsdammit so pay attention because I'll only do this once. Take the damn ring and say thank you and leave me be before I regret this.'"

They were quiet for a moment while the story Kaiya spoke lingered around them. Delvin wanted her to speak if she wasn't finished so he didn't dare interrupt her reverie.

"Thank you, Delvin," she said as she pulled back away from his chest, looking him in the eyes for the first time since he arrived. "You were right. It's much better to think about them as they were. Not as they died."

Delvin smiled as his eyes darted to the ring she wore around her neck. He whispered a "may I?" as he reached to touch it. She nodded nervously, but allowed him nonetheless. "Is this the ring?" he asked although he knew the answer.

"Yes." Kaiya spoke timidly as her eyes stayed trained on Delvin's face.

"Does it have a name?"

"The Nightweaver's Band."

"Hm, Nightweaver, I like that."

"Me too. That's why I introduced myself as Nightweaver to contracts. I felt it was how Festus would want to be honored." She laughed easily now, "God how crazy is that? No wonder I'm broken. I'm sitting here telling a fellow thief that I honor my assassin mentor's memory by introducing myself a certain way to my assassination targets. Sweet Sithis, I never had a shot."

Delvin laughed at her confession. "Aye love well, it's like we say in the Flagon, we're all here cause we ain't all there."

She laughed and they let silence settle in for a moment once again, letting the words of their conversation seep in.

"What about Mercer?" Delvin asked, breaking into the silence.

Kaiya looked up, confused. "What about him?"

"Does he have anything to do with how you feel broken?"

Kaiya grimaced at the question. Forget Veezara for knowing the questions to ask; Delvin put him to shame. She respected it about Delvin though. He was really trying to get to the bottom of it to help.

"Of course he does," she laughed without humor. "Wanna know why I was keeping to myself in the Flagon before the little incident?"

Delvin nodded in response.

"Because Mercer told me that I had a duty to report to him, even if he was in the middle of fucking Haelga. I was just supposed to knock first."

"Divines' sake, really?" Delvin asked, aggravated at his friend's poor decision making skills. "Why would he say a thing like that?"

"I don't know." Kaiya answered honestly, shrugging her shoulders. "But the thing is Delvin, the thing is," now her voice was getting louder, more animated. "I know he probably didn't fuck her today, but he was all too willing to make me think he had. I don't know what happened between us, but he said that today just to hurt me and that's what hurt the most. Not that he was talking about another woman but that he did so merely to hurt me." Her voice was high pitched now, insinuating that this rant was an ongoing list of questions. "Seriously, why? He's the one that said nothing could happen between us. Why hurt me?!"

"Oh that's an easy one, love." Delvin replied with a small smile. "Because he's scared."

"That sounds like you're making excuses for him." She crossed her arms over her chest, aggravated at the bro code that seemed to be infiltrating their conversation.

"Oh there's no excuse love," Delvin laughed, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. "He acted like an ass. This is an explanation, not an excuse."

"Well then what the hell is he afraid of?" Kaiya's arms flew up in exasperation. She was weary from the effort of trying to figure that man out.

"I'm surprised you can't see it, seeing as the two of you are so damn similar," Delvin replied with a smirk of a smile on his face. "He told you nothing could happen, but that's not what I saw against the wall in his backyard the other night." He snickered at the memory.

"I'm not following." Kaiya was aware that what happened in his yard wasn't the epitome of the 'nothing can happen' mentality that Mercer had adopted, but that was the point. He was confusing the hell out of her and then lashing out to hurt her. "And how the hell are we similar?"

"Because you're both scared of yourselves," Delvin laughed at the obviousness of the statement. "You're scared you're going to snap and lose it on us or something. He's afraid he may snap and I don't know, fall for you. He tells you it can't happen because that's what he is supposed to say to protect himself. His actions obviously say otherwise. Watch what he does love, not what he says."

"Gods I hope you don't follow your own advice when it comes to me," she laughed awkwardly, running her hands through her hair. "Because if my actions back in the Flagon are any indication, you shouldn't be anywhere near me."

"I do watch your actions," he responded, lifting her chin to look him in the eye. "That's why I'm here. Think about it this way, sweetheart. You think it's silly that Mercer is afraid of himself when it comes to you, right? Because there's nothing to be afraid of?"

She nodded in agreement. "Right, because I know it's scary but it's worth it."

"Right," he smiled at her in understanding. "That's the same way I feel about how you treat yourself. It's silly because I see so much restraint. Ravyn had to pester you to a breaking point and even then, you stayed your hand. You see that as losing control, but I see it as less than what some of us would have done in the same situation. And having you around, it may be scary and we don't want to cross you," he laughed, rubbing his neck again in nervousness, "but it's worth it. Because you're worth having around."

She rolled her eyes at his answer, but before she could respond he continued. "No, not just because you're a great thief Kaiya. I know that's what you're thinking. No. We'd want you around anyway because you're funny. Because you're entertaining. Because you're a good listener and a loyal friend. You tell great stories and you make everyone forget that they have their own demons they fight on a daily basis. You make us happy, Kaiya. That's why we want you around. That's why you're worth it."

Kaiya's eyes clouded over with moisture at the heartfelt words of her friend. She didn't know how to respond, so she just chewed on her bottom lip.

"So if you leave, I hope you'll come back. I hope you trust us like we trust you. I hope that no matter what happened between you and Mercer you realize he was right about one thing." He bent forward and looked into her eyes, stressing the importance of his words. "You have a family here and you don't have to go it alone."

Kaiya grabbed Delvin and pulled him into a tight hug as the tears flowed once again from her eyes. She squeezed him tight enough that she worried he couldn't breathe, but she couldn't bring herself to let him go yet. She wasn't strong enough. "Thank you, Delvin" she whispered into his ear. "You're a great friend."

He hugged her back whole heartedly, squeezing her just as tightly as she squeezed him. He hoped he could show her in his hug alone that he meant every word he had said. He felt her tense as she started to pull away and that's when he knew it wouldn't be enough. She was still planning on leaving.

"You're still going to go, aren't you?"

"I have to, Delvin. I need to figure some stuff out. I love you and the guild and you're my family, but I can't go back in there just yet. I can't face him."

"Ravyn or Mercer?" Delvin asked, not knowing which she feared facing most.

She scoffed in reply. "Oh please, I'm not worried about Ravyn if Mercer got a hold of him," she waved her hand in front of her as if dismissing the notion. "Mercer. I mean Mercer. He makes me crazy, Delvin. He's part of the reason I lost control tonight and as long as I feel the way I do about him, I can't look at him."

Her eyes welled with new tears as she thought about not seeing him everyday. About not training with him anymore. About not seeing that smirk of his again and the pain of never having his lips on hers. She had fallen for him, despite his maddening enigmatic nature, and she needed some time. If she was going to be just another member of the guild to him, she had to learn how to see him as just a guildmaster.

"Will you come back?" he asked, letting his hand drift to her shoulder. "We'll miss you, you know."

"Oh you'll get over me so fast," she joked, but her heart wasn't in it. "I'll miss you much more than you'll miss me. Hell, you'll still have the Flagon. I'll be drinking alone."

"Well since I can't convince you to stay, can I at least help you pack?"

"No, but there is something you can do for me Delvin. You can tell him I'm leaving. Not tonight. Give him the night to be by himself. But tomorrow. Tell him I left and tell him…" she paused, not sure how far she wanted to take this message. "Tell him I said 'eyes front.'"


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit longer than most but I promise it's worth it :)

_17th of Sun's Dawn 4E203_

This was it. It was time for her to go. She had taken off her wet leathers and packed them away, choosing instead to dress in her black mage robes. They were always good for traveling, plus she didn't feel as though she had a right to wear her Thieves Guild leathers since she was deserting.

She took a look around her new home as she spun the Nightweaver's Band around her neck, taking it in one last time before she made her departure. The house was new to her, but it had already begun to feel like home. Perhaps it wasn't the house. Perhaps Riften just felt like home.

Suddenly, a booming knock on her front door broke her out of her silent goodbyes. She rolled her eyes at the sound before approaching the door and flinging it open.

"Delvin, I told you I was…"

She stopped dead in her tracks at the sight before her. It wasn't Delvin. There Mercer stood, bracing himself against her door frame with his arms as his head hung down. Water dripped from his hair, his leathers, his nose, and had begun to form a puddle at her feet. He raised his head to look her in the eyes, his face pained and showing signs of losing a tense inner battle. The green in his eyes seemed to shine against the dreary backdrop of the stormy night, those shining emeralds once again out of place against such encompassing shadows. Her heart caught in her throat at the sight.

"Mercer…" she breathed, but never got the chance to finish her thought.

In two long strides he was on her, his hands grasping either side of her face and his lips crushing into hers. She fought it at first. She didn't want to need it. But when he pulled back and touched his forehead to hers, he uttered the words that made the hastily built wall surrounding her heart crumble around her.

"You can't leave."

His lips returned to hers, hungry and aching. She kissed him back now, allowing him to invade her space. Water continued to drip off of him, but now it fell onto her. The robes she wore became soaked with the rain from his leathers, her hands drenched as they made their way into his hair. A boom of thunder could be heard from outside through the open door, causing Mercer to shove it shut with his foot, never letting his lips leave hers. One hand stayed on her face as he poured all of his turmoil into their kiss, showing her just how much he meant what he had said. His other hand wandered to hold her firmly against him at her lower back. Her arms wrapped around him, pulling him closer, closer, closer. She couldn't get close enough. She was just as hungry for him as he was for her.

He began walking her backwards until she felt her back hit the table in her home, currently covered in plates and what should have been her dinner. Breaking the kiss for a moment, Mercer shoved everything on the table onto the floor before returning his lips to hers and letting his hands wander to grab her behind her thighs. Hoisting her up, he sat her down on the table without breaking their kiss. It was if they were each the air the other needed to breathe.

She grabbed onto his wet hair with both hands, crushing his lips to hers with a force that would probably bruise both of them later, but they didn't care. She opened her mouth to him and he invaded with his tongue, hers matching his in almost choreographed movements. The only sounds were the light moans that escaped her lips that he swallowed hungrily, replying with masculine and pained grunts of his own. She took in his scent and let herself become enveloped in it. Not the smell of wet leather and smoke, but the smell that was distinctly him. Water on stones, the very smell of the riverbed emanated from his skin. She loved that smell.

He let his mouth travel from her lips to her jawline and down to her neck, nipping and sloppily dragging his tongue across her skin, tasting her as if she would disappear at any moment. It was when he began untying the sash of her robes to undress her that she finally snapped back to reality.

"Mercer wait," she said as she pushed against his chest.

He let out an exasperated "Hmm?" as she pushed him off of her. He let his hands fall to the table on either side of her to brace himself as he stared at her, his eyes hooded with unbridled lust.

"What is this? What do you want?" she asked, her hand still resting on his chest.

"I thought I was showing you," he replied with an arched eyebrow, his voice husky and deep. It took all her concentration not to let the gruffness in his voice affect her.

"No I need you to tell me," she stated sternly, "with words."

He let out a sigh as he hung his head, realizing this conversation would not be as easy as he'd hoped. "Delvin told me you were leaving. He said he wasn't supposed to tell me until morning but since it was my fault you were going, he thought I should know." He stood up straight at this, running his hands through his hair. "He was mad Kaiya. Mad at me."

"So are you here to do his bidding or are you here for yourself?" irritation leached into her tone, her arms crossing over her chest.

"Both?" he stated as a question, guessing at the right answer. "No one wants you to leave Kai. I'm here for all of us."

"No." She stated plainly as she shook her head at him. "That's not good enough." She stood up off the table at this, invading his space even though she had to crane her neck to look up at him. "You've done this to me before. You give me what you think I want only to take it back later. Now you're here finally giving me what you know I've wanted all along just to keep me here as if you're taking one for the team? No. This is exactly why I'm leaving."

"So you'd betray your guild because I haven't given you what you want?" His voice was louder now, booming in anger.

"Betray the guild?" she scoffed, shaking her head at the notion. "Mercer, you don't know what betrayal is."

"Try me." The intensity of his response surprised her. He looked crazed, his jaw tight and his teeth clenched. Perhaps she had been wrong to assume he knew nothing of betrayal.

"Look," she spoke calmer now, trying to defuse some of the tension that had been building. "It's obvious I'm not ready to be in a guild so soon after… the thing… that happened. You saw the effects of what I did in the Flagon. It's not safe for anyone if I remain."

"How… selfish.. Of you." He spat the words with with sheer contempt in his eyes. The look made her wince.

"Selfish!?" she cried, "I'm leaving to protect them! I'm leaving the only family I've got to keep them safe from me!"

"Don't lie to me!" He boomed, closing the distance between them and towering over her to cast an imposing visage. "You're choosing what you think would be best for the guild? You're no martyr, Kaiya. Get off your damn high horse. You're doing this for yourself."

"And you just want me to stay for your own benefit! So now who's selfish?" her pitched had grown higher in desperation as she frantically searched for a way to get control of this argument. She was afraid he was right.

"What in Oblivion do you want, Kaiya!?" his voice was frantic to match hers, sheer frustration to match the desperation. "First it wasn't good enough that the guild wanted you to stay, you wanted me to. Then I told you I wanted you to stay and now that makes me selfish?" He paced, running his hands through his hair. "Well you know what Kaiya, you're right!" he laughed humorlessly as he put his arms out to the side in exasperation. "I'm selfish. I'm a selfish thief."

She didn't respond. She had nothing to say. He was right, she was making this impossible for him. She stared back at him with tears in her eyes, causing him to stop his pacing and stand before her.

"What do you want me to say, Kaiya?" he asked softly, grabbing the tops of her shoulders in exasperation.

"I asked what you want, Mercer. Not what the guild wants. Not what Delvin wants. I want to know what  _you_  want."

"I want you to stay. You're needed here." He let his arms fall by his sides. He hoped this answer would suffice.

"But  _you_  don't need me, is that right? You've said this before, so let me be clear. What do you need, Mercer?" She crossed her arms over her chest again as she squared off towards him.

"That's what I thought I was showing you, Footpad." He used his nickname for her as a term of endearment, throwing as much charm as he had into his statement. "We all… I... need you to stay."

She threw her hands up at him in frustration as she stomped over to the door. As she went to open it, he reached over and slammed it shut from behind her. His presence was suddenly jarring, so close that she could feel his breath on her neck, his hand bracing himself up as he stood over her. "I said I need you to stay, Kaiya. What more do you want me to say?"

She found herself looking down, ashamed at what she was asking Mercer to vocalize. She never thought she'd have to ask for this. "You need me to stay because I'm a good thief and you're my guildmaster, Mercer. But I want more than that and you know it. If you're going to come to my home and kiss me the way you just kissed me to get me to stay, I need to know it's from Mercer, not the Guildmaster. I need to know it's because you need me to stay for you, not for the guild. Not just because I'm a good thief. Or because I'm powerful. Or the Dragonborn."

He was quiet for a moment as he pondered her words. She stood still, cringing each time she felt his breath hit her as he thought. The silence was torture.

He finally spoke, his voice lower than she had ever heard from him, rumbling out of his chest like a rockslide. "That didn't matter to me on our first night together, did it? That night in the Bee and Barb. I didn't care about that then, did I?"

He smiled against her hair as he heard her gasp. He had never mentioned that night since she joined the guild. She had started to wonder if he remembered it or if it had even happened at all.

"You thought I forgot, didn't you?" his voice was softer now. His free hand that wasn't bracing himself against the door came up and rested on her shoulder before slowly sliding down her arm. The touch caused her skin to come alive, her nerves sparking as if she were on fire.

"Oh I tried to forget, Footpad. I tried." He bent over so that he could speak directly into her ear, earning a shudder from her in response. "I tried to see you as just another member of the guild. I tried not to want you. I tried to be stern and even cruel to get you to stop looking at me like you did so I could try to forget, but I couldn't."

He continued to rub his free hand up and down her arm as he spoke. He rested his cheek against her hair, taking in her scent of pine and sunshine. It was an incredibly intimate gesture and it caused Kaiya's heart to pound in her chest.  _What was he doing to her?_

"That night I didn't care what you could provide the guild. I didn't care that you were powerful. I didn't care, hell I didn't even know, that you were Dragonborn. I just wanted you. I know I acted like an ass today, but when Delvin told me you were leaving I couldn't stomach it. I didn't even think about what I was doing, all I know is that I ended up at your doorstep. I didn't think about what I would say. I just knew I had to do everything in my power to keep you from leaving. Not because of the guild. Not because of the coin. But because I need you to stay."

Kaiya's stomach flipped, sending shockwaves through her every nerve.  _Was he really saying this? After all this time, was he finally giving in to what was between them?_  He tugged on her shoulder to turn her around to face him. He towered over her as he leaned against the door, so he lifted her chin to ensure she kept looking up at him. Somehow, her heartbeat picked up even more at the look in his eyes. They were burning with intensity, but yet she believed this was the most honest he had ever been with her. He had stripped himself bare, exposing his vulnerability to her and was urging her with those eyes to believe him.

"Fuck the consequences, Kaiya. We'll figure it out. Feel this?" He put his hand to her heart, feeling the erratic and pounding heartbeat. Kaiya felt as if she could hear it, the blood rushing around in her veins so fast, a drumming in her ears.  _Could he hear it too?_  He then took her hand and placed it over his own heart for her to feel the reaction she had on him. It was the same. Pounding and erratic. "I'm tired of fighting this and I don't want you to go."

At this he bent over and placed a kiss on her cheek, then her jaw, then her neck. She stood frozen, yet her entire body trembled with the sheer force of her racing heart. Then he whispered "I need you to stay" and any hesitation or fear she had been holding onto shattered into pieces.

She grabbed the front of his leathers and pulled him to her, staring straight into his eyes. "That wasn't so hard, was it?" she forced out through gritted teeth before she crashed her lips into his. She knew he could be just saying this to keep her around. She knew that by sunrise, all of this may not matter, but she didn't care. She was going to get one more night with her Mercer before it all disappeared.

He lifted her up and pinned her against the wall as she wrapped her legs around his waist. He devoured her lips, her neck, her throat. He kissed her as if he were starving and she willingly gave herself to him. She moved her wet fingers to the clasps on his guild leathers and started to unfasten them as quickly as she could. When she opened the last one, he shrugged himself out of it and let the wet leather drop to the floor with a splat. She was rewarded for her efforts with a thin, cotton undershirt that he wore underneath his leathers, damp and clinging to his body. She watched in awe as the shirt stretched across his chest as it rose and fell with his frantic breathing. Her hands ran over his pectorals and stomach as she stared, a smirk on his face as he watched her worship of his body.

"I don't want you to take me by the door," she blurted out. "I want to take my time with you."

He laughed at her confession before lifting her from the wall and carrying her towards her bedroom. "I didn't really intend on taking you by the door," he joked as he laid her down, climbing to hover over her. "Well not tonight at least."

Her heart did a swan dive in her chest. Not tonight. As if there would be another night. The first of many. Her arms shot out to wrap around his neck as he bent down to kiss her, bracing himself on his forearms.

"Not tonight, huh?" she asked when he pulled back and sat before her on his knees.

"Nah not tonight," he said as he slowly untied the sash that held her robes closed. "But I intend to take you on every surface in this house." He slowly pulled the top of her robes open and kissed her collarbone before making his way lower down her increasingly exposed form, pulling back her robe a little at a time. "And in my house," he continued as his mouth worshiped her body. He grunted in surprise at the discovery that she wore no smallclothes underneath her robe, a wicked gleam in his eye as he shot her a look of approval. Each time he revealed more skin, he planted kisses over the new territory, claiming it for his own. "And in the training room. And on the Guildmaster's desk."

"It sounds like you've thought about this a time or two," she joked as her hands made their way to his hair. He looked up from his current position over her stomach, distracted from his task by her teasing. The corner of his mouth slowly curved up to match the mirth in his eyes, giving Kaiya the sexiest smirk she had ever seen. It was as if his every move had a direct connection to her nerves, shooting shock after shock through her very skin, all culminating in a sweet ache in her pelvis.

"You say that like you mind."

Kaiya dropped her head back onto the pillow at his words from the night they spent together so long ago. This was all too much. Every cell in her body was alive, practically firing off sparks as her heart skipped beats and jumped around her chest. She hadn't been with anyone in so long and she had the one man who was able to play her body like a lute grinning up at her from the space between her thighs.

"You're going to be the death of me, Mercer Frey."

She felt him laugh before placing a kiss on her inner thigh. "Well at least last the night for me, will you?"

She propped herself up on her elbows as she eyed him, biting her bottom lip. "I'll last as long as you let me, Guildmaster," she said innocently, her skin flushed and pink.

His eyes went wide at the sight of her, sucking in his next breath on a hiss. Apparently he was affected by all of this as much as she was. He crawled from his position at the foot of the bed until he was hovering over her again, as if the space between them had been too much for too long. She laid flat on her back, her blonde hair fanned out around her as she gazed at him, still biting her bottom lip.

"You can't look at me like that," he breathed. "I won't last long."

"Good thing round two is still on the table then."

She earned a growl in response as he crushed his lips to hers. Her legs wrapped around his waist and her hands roamed up his back under his shirt, feeling the hard muscles hidden under the fabric. She began to get frustrated that there was still so much fabric between them, her hands shoving his shirt out of the way in order to feel more of him. Mercer exhaled a laugh against her lips as he took the hint, pulling away from her to his knees to grab the neck of his shirt from the back, pulling it over his head. She was rewarded with the sight of his muscled chest, arms, and stomach, all bare before her, and grinned.  _What a virile man._

"Mm," she moaned in approval, reaching up to grip his hair with both hands, "you have no idea what you do to me, Mercer." With a tug, she pulled him back down to her as her lips found his. Her hands roamed his torso freely, feeling the soft, dark hair that spattered his chest and stomach. She felt the plains of his abs, the wiry muscles of his biceps. He encouraged her with sharp intakes of breath that made her hungrier, bolder. She wanted to hear more of that, more of his eager sounds. Her hands found their way lower to the top of his trousers. Slipping two fingers past the band at his hips, she slid them back and forth, delicately skimming the skin of his lower abdomen. A small gasp escaped from Mercer's lips as he ripped his lips from hers, and buried his face in her neck.

"Fuck, Kaiya" he breathed heavily, concentrating on the movement of her fingers in the waistband of his trousers. "You can't stop teasing me for one godsdamned minute can you?"

His voice was husky with want and a wicked smile formed on her face at the sound. She loved that she was the one doing this to him, turning him into a panting mess without even removing all of his clothes.

"Is that what I do to you, Mercer?" she responded playfully. "Tease you?"

He broke away from the crook of her neck to place his forehead against hers, his eyes boring into her. "You have no idea what you do to me, Kaiya. Every day."

She began to slowly untie the laces of his trousers, reaching her hand in to touch his hardness through the thin fabric of his smallclothes. He inhaled in a hiss, his eyes slamming shut as if he was in pain. His reaction shot another shockwave through her body. This powerful man, so commanding and authoritative, was falling apart in her hands. Her small, delicate hands. The jolt of power was a headrush, and she wanted more. Sure, she had taken the souls from dragons, but that seemed to pale in comparison to the rush from bringing a man like Mercer, her Guildmaster, the terrifying tyrant, to his knees with just her hands.

She pushed his trousers lower on his hips to signal she wanted them gone. He happily complied, standing and pushing off his boots before letting his trousers fall to the floor. His smallclothes followed and joined the rest of his clothing in the pile while she smiled at the sight of his naked form. As he slowly began removing her boots, she took the opportunity to take him in, committing him to memory while she had the chance. The way his brow furrowed in concentration as he slid her boot off her foot, his biceps working and a light sheen of sweat on his chest catching the torchlight. How his hair, still damp from the rain, fell into his eyes as he moved, one hand instinctively brushing it out of his face in a move that was so familiar but so incredibly erotic in their current setting. The dark trail of hair that led from his flat stomach lower, lower, until it met with his proud erection, jutting straight out. Her eyes lingered on his painfully swollen hardness and she bit her lip in anticipation. As many times as she had tried to remember it in the time since they had first been together, she had never done it justice.

When her second boot fell to the ground, she heard him growl as he took in the sight before him. "I can feel you looking at it." His husky voice rippled across her skin like a tuning fork, an involuntary shudder rolling through her muscles in reaction. "Look at you," he continued as he palmed himself and gave a long stroke, "how did I keep myself away from you for so long?"

She bit her lip in response, wondering what she looked like to him at the moment, her open mage robes revealing her flushed and pink body for his perusal. "I don't know, but it's time you made up for making me wait so long."

His knees hit the foot of the bed as he began to climb back over her, one hand continuing to stroke himself as he moved. She swatted his hand away and replaced it with her own, caressing the painfully hard shaft that now rested between her legs.

"I tease you every day?" she finally responded to his previous statement. She tried to sound concerned but could not hide the lust seeping out of her words.

He returned his face to the crook of her neck as he tried to steady himself while she touched him. "You make me crazy." It was a whispered confession, but Kaiya heard it clearly. His voice sounded like he was in pain and she was not making it any easier. He grabbed her hand and moved it from between them before pinning her wrist to the bed by her head. Not to be outdone, he lowered his hips into hers, giving her aching core the friction she so badly desired.

Her response was immediate: a surprised moan freeing itself from her tight body, much louder than she anticipated. He lifted his head to watch his handiwork, a smirk plastered on his face at her outburst. "Just remember," he growled before grinding his hips into her again, gaining another moan, "I know how to tease too." He picked up a rhythm with his hips now, grinding into her as his hardness slid up and down between her soaking folds and eliciting cries of want. "I have half a mind to make you as crazy as you've made me so you can see how it feels. So you can see what you do to me."

"Please Mercer," she begged as she panted, her clever words from moments before escaping her in this moment. "Have you not seen how crazy you make me? Have I not shown you?"

"Hmm," he hummed in her ear, "I suppose I could be merciful." To show his mercy, he let his attention move towards her swollen breasts, moving her robe out of the way to have complete access. One hand aggressively grabbed one while his mouth found the other. Kaiya cried out as her back arched, presenting herself to him. He growled to show his pleasure, his attention on her breasts causing her to writhe beneath his body. He took the opportunity to slide the mage robes off of her arms as she lifted up from the mattress to meet him, finally freeing her of the last of her clothes. She moved her hips against his hardness, causing a pained moan to rip from his chest.

"Please Mercer," she begged again, "be merciful."

A wicked smile formed on his lips over her breast as he braced his weight on one arm, letting his other hand travel down her body. His fingertips grazed her skin as he ventured lower and she thought she might catch fire. No one else touched her like he did. Ever. No one else had ever made her feel like she would combust if he touched her again, but she would surely die if he didn't. Just when his slow descent became torturous as he neared her pelvis, he jerked his hand away and pressed two fingers firmly into her swollen and aching sex in one swift motion. A cry ripped from her at the sudden intrusion, her back arching off the bed so forcefully she almost knocked him off of her. She was faintly aware of the feeling of his stare on her face, so she forced herself to meet his gaze. Those eyes, so fierce and consuming, looked up at her from where he hovered over her breast, watching her every move. Apparently getting the answer they were looking for, he began moving his fingers in and out of her, feeling her wetness and spreading it up and down against her swollen folds.

"Shadows preserve me," he whispered hoarsely as his head fell to lie against her chest. It was clear this was torturing him as much as it was torturing her. Her back arched up once again at his touch as her hands gripped the furs. She panted for air, feeling like she would suffocate if she didn't get relief soon.

"Mercer," she breathed as she reached one hand up to touch his heart. "Do you feel that?" His heart pumped beneath her hand, setting the rhythm to which his fingers moved inside her. His eyes darted to hers at her question and she saw they were burning. Two green fires threatening to scorch her alive as she writhed under his glare. She kept her hand on his heart as he worked her closer to release, but she wanted him inside her. She didn't want to come like this.

"I thought you said you were tired of fighting this, Mercer." Her words were barely louder than a whisper. Their gaze did not break as concentration swept over his face, his brows furrowing with intensity at her words. She reached up with both hands to grab either side of his face, sitting up to touch her forehead to his. "So stop fighting it and fuck me already, Frey."

Any restraint he had been showing prior was shattered at her words. He bared his teeth at her crude command before removing his fingers from her and sucking them into his mouth, his eyes trained on hers as he tasted her. Kaiya almost came undone at the sight, her hips arching up on their own to beg him for her release. His eyes did not leave hers as he situated himself over her, his weight braced on one elbow by her head while his hand reached between them to guide his swollen hardness to her opening. Slowly, teasingly, he rubbed the head of his shaft up and down between her folds, bringing her to a squirming, writhing mess. "Mercer, please!" she cried out to the rafters and without a word, he pushed inside her in one forceful stroke, sheathing himself to the hilt.

"Fuck." He exhaled, his labored breathing proof he had been holding his breath until now. Their eyes still locked on each other, her mouth dropped open at the overwhelming sensation of being filled. Completely, utterly, filled with Mercer. His body covered hers, his smell was all around her and he was fully inside her. It was better than she could have hoped. His brows knitted with the tension of trying to remain still for a moment so she could adjust, his breathing heavy as it left his mouth.

He started to move, picking up a slow, torturous rhythm. His hand found its way to her breast and squeezed hard, eliciting another moan from her in response. Her hands were everywhere, traveling all over his chest and back as if she couldn't get enough of the feel of him over her.

"Is this what you wanted, Footpad?" he growled at her from above, his eyes a fiery gaze into hers. "Did you want me to fuck you?"

She shook her head back and forth as her hands twined through his hair, bringing his face close to hers once again. "Not want," she panted. "I need you to fuck me." She crushed his lips into hers and his pace picked up at her words. They were both losing the fight against restraint.

"Well what kind of man would I be if I didn't give you what you need?" His voice was a gravelly, hoarse rumble in her ear. She could feel it as it left his chest that was pressed against her breasts and it coursed over her entire body, making it sing.

The only sounds that filled the room were her moans, his grunts, their coupling. Their sweaty bodies slid against each other as they each climbed closer and closer to their climax, panting and groaning as they climbed.

Just before she could lose herself and topple over the edge towards her release, she grabbed him by the hair once again and spoke. "My turn."

Just as she had done their first time in the Bee and Barb, she flipped them both over where she was now riding him. She grabbed his wrists and pinned them on either side of his head while she bucked and slid herself up and down his shaft with abandon. "I like to show you what I can do, remember?"

A smirk took over his features, but it did nothing to diminish the hunger in his eyes. She released his wrists and sat up, letting her hands grab onto his chest for support. His hands flew to grab onto her hips, guiding her back and forth along his shaft. When she tilted her head and arched her back in pleasure, he couldn't help himself and sat straight up. She continued riding him as his mouth found her right breast, his hand working the other. His other arm wrapped around her, holding her to him like she might fly off with all their slippery friction. She groaned at his touch, grinding her hips into him harder as a way of saying thank you.

Unbridled by her quick ascension to release, she grabbed his hair and pulled his head back to look up at her as she continued to ride him. "Is this what you needed, Mercer?" she asked in her most sultry voice. "Did you need to fuck me?"

His fiery eyes met hers as his hand moved to the back of her head, grabbing her hair and pulling her head back to expose her throat to him. "I need more than that," he growled into her exposed neck as he kissed, nipped and sucked at her flesh. "I need you to come for me, Footpad."

He lowered her head back so that they were making eye contact, their sweaty foreheads touching and breathing in each others' panting. He growled a command. "So why don't you do as I say and come for me, Kaiya."

She felt her body shake and tremble as his filthy command put her over the edge into her release and she cried out his name in a whispered prayer. He held her tighter as she came, murmuring words into her ear that made her heart soar.

"That's it, that's my girl."

When it was clear her release had run its course, she whispered into the crook of his neck.

"Your turn, Frey."

He bared his teeth and growled as his thrusts became erratic and needy, desperately chasing his own release as he watched her ride out her bliss over him.

"Tell me who makes you come like that, Footpad. Say it." he boomed as he approached his climax, wanting and needing her words to push him over the edge. "Who is the only man who can make you come with a word?"

She happily complied. "You Mercer," she breathed as she pressed her lips into his, still not breaking eye contact. "Only you."

With a roar, he came inside her, pulsing and trembling with the power of his release. He let his head fall to her chest as she cradled him against her, kissing his head and allowing him to continue coming undone beneath her.

They stayed that way for a while, catching their breath and letting their heart rates fall back to normal. It was an intimate setting, but neither one of them shied away from it. It was fitting. When she felt she was ready, Kaiya slowly lifted her sore and achy body off of his and let herself fall into the bed next to him. He did the same, falling back and crashing against the pillow. They laid there, each on their back and grinning at each other like idiots. She reached over and grabbed his hand and he squeezed hers in response, sealing their silent, unspoken deal.

They knew they could never go back to the way they were before. They knew their relationship was irrevocably changed, but as they grinned at each other in the sweaty, breathy afterglow they both knew that they wouldn't have it any other way.

He pulled her to him, laying her head on his chest as sleep crept up on them both.

"Am I to understand that this means you're staying?" he asked in a breathy laugh, his voice low and rumbling with fatigue.

"Mm," she moaned softly in reply. "Under one condition." Her eyes were closed and she was peaceful as she laid on his chest, slipping into sleep.

"What's that?"

"Just don't betray us, okay?" It was barely more than a whisper, uttered as she drifted off to sleep. His eyes opened wide as he stared at the ceiling, the thought of sleep now gone as his demons crept up to taunt him at her words.


End file.
